Friday, June 29, 2007

This might hurt a little .... because you're a girl

Why can't I get someone to rub my nuts?

Let me explain.

I have to have 3 ultrasounds done in July. At 10 weeks pregnant I'll be released into the care of a regular OBGY but for now the RE's office is keeping a pretty close eye on me via ultrasounds every 2 weeks. Now here's the kicker. They're making me have internal ultrasounds. No nice warm gel for me. No ultrasound wand gently gliding over my belly. No, none of that. I get The Wand.

If you're not intimately acquainted in The Wand then let me describe it for you. The ultrasound tech brings out a giant rubbery looking probe thingy and put a condom (a condom!) over it. They squirt some gel on it and hand it to you. You get to do the inserting yourself so that you'll be more "comfortable". Then the tech grinds the wand around in your abdomen for half an hour while you lay on the table and try not to cry out in pain.

It's standard practice for surrogates to get their ovaries checked during these early ultrasounds. Although it's rare, the meds can occasionally cause ovarian cysts so the ovaries have to monitored. Here's the thing about that. I am a freak of nature. No, I mean it. Seriously. (Have you even heard of anyone else getting a collapsed lung while sitting on the couch watching tv?) One of the freakish things about me is that I have traveling ovaries. Yes, they move. A lot. It was explained to me that every one's move a little bit but since I'm so tall they have a lot more room to move around in. And apparently mine like to sit up really high.

So for half an hour I get to lay there while the tech roots around in my innards trying to find my ovaries. And based on how it feels I think my ovaries are sitting right around my shoulder level. Seriously. It sucks.

So why does this have to be so damned uncomfortable? Why is it that I have to get the warning that my examination will be uncomfortable while a guy who goes to get an ultrasound on his private bits gets warned that he might find the exam pleasurable? Or that he might experience "the natural byproduct of spraying warm lube on my balls and then rubbing them"? Why can't I get that?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking to get cheap thrills from my ultrasounds. I just wish someone could come up with a way for it to not feel like some kind of assault. If someone ever figures out how to fix this I will seriously love them forever.

11 comments:

CDPJ said...

Hi... I had some issues early in my pregnancy and I had three or four internal ultrasounds myself. They are soooooo uncomfortable... in soooooooo many ways. You're probably getting close to being able to get the exterior one, though, right? Hang in there!

Oh, The Joys said...

ha ha ha ha !!!!

Jennifer said...

I refused the internal one while I was pregnant. Yeah before I ever had one.

So, I get these strange pains in my stomach and I agree to one after my little girl is born. It was a huge mistake.

Those tests are so painful and down right insulting. I think I would rather the cysts.

MamaLee said...

I call it "the coochie cam!"

Alexandra said...

Wow that sounds very painful! I'm glad I've never had to experience an internal ultrasound, though I've heard some horror stories similar to yours. ouch!

StickyKeys Says: said...

Year before last I got SO sick one winter and finally I had to go to the doctor to get my lady parts checked out. I think that wand/turkey drumstick is a freak of nature. It was so bad that I promised to have sex afterwards just to show my privates some pleasure after such an ordeal.

I backed out at the last minute, but still... I feel ya girl.

Suburban Oblivion said...

Next time you go in, suggest they find a way to make the wand vibrate. Women will be lining up for months for those exams! ;)

Absolutely Bananas said...

oh boy... the condom over the long thing brings back memories. nighmares! hang in there!

Ferdinand the Duck said...

Don't worry, I'm sure someday you'll find an ultrasound tech who works a second job at a rub n tug. The wand really does sound horrible.

shyestviolet said...

heh, I read the first line of this blog while answering the phone, and almost said, "hello, can I rub your nuts for you?"

must remember not to combine working and blog-reading from now on...

Amber said...

Oh, the wand and I have been intimately acquainted alright. I had one or two before I was ever pregnant for cysts, and then had the pleasure of another 4 or 5 while pregnant.

Some techs let me do it myself and other just jammed 'er in....

Memories! Bust out the scrapbook, you'll want to remember this! Ha