This might hurt a little .... because you're a girl

Why can't I get someone to rub my nuts?

Let me explain.

I have to have 3 ultrasounds done in July. At 10 weeks pregnant I'll be released into the care of a regular OBGY but for now the RE's office is keeping a pretty close eye on me via ultrasounds every 2 weeks. Now here's the kicker. They're making me have internal ultrasounds. No nice warm gel for me. No ultrasound wand gently gliding over my belly. No, none of that. I get The Wand.

If you're not intimately acquainted in The Wand then let me describe it for you. The ultrasound tech brings out a giant rubbery looking probe thingy and put a condom (a condom!) over it. They squirt some gel on it and hand it to you. You get to do the inserting yourself so that you'll be more "comfortable". Then the tech grinds the wand around in your abdomen for half an hour while you lay on the table and try not to cry out in pain.

It's standard practice for surrogates to get their ovaries checked during these early ultrasounds. Although it's rare, the meds can occasionally cause ovarian cysts so the ovaries have to monitored. Here's the thing about that. I am a freak of nature. No, I mean it. Seriously. (Have you even heard of anyone else getting a collapsed lung while sitting on the couch watching tv?) One of the freakish things about me is that I have traveling ovaries. Yes, they move. A lot. It was explained to me that every one's move a little bit but since I'm so tall they have a lot more room to move around in. And apparently mine like to sit up really high.

So for half an hour I get to lay there while the tech roots around in my innards trying to find my ovaries. And based on how it feels I think my ovaries are sitting right around my shoulder level. Seriously. It sucks.

So why does this have to be so damned uncomfortable? Why is it that I have to get the warning that my examination will be uncomfortable while a guy who goes to get an ultrasound on his private bits gets warned that he might find the exam pleasurable? Or that he might experience "the natural byproduct of spraying warm lube on my balls and then rubbing them"? Why can't I get that?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking to get cheap thrills from my ultrasounds. I just wish someone could come up with a way for it to not feel like some kind of assault. If someone ever figures out how to fix this I will seriously love them forever.