Thursday, February 07, 2008

The trouble with in-laws

So I don't think we'll be seeing my father-in-law and his wife for a little while. There are a couple of issues with them that's making me less than eager to spend time with them.

The first and more important issue is the way they are with the kids. They really favor Elle. I don't know if it's because they don't get Joseph or don't understand him or just plain old don't like him but whatever it is, that shit ain't cool. I myself grew up with a grandma who favored certain grandkids over others so I know how much that can sting. (Oh, don't get me wrong. I knew my grandma loved me. I also knew that she seemed to like some of my cousins more than me.)

So that's the more important issue and it's one that will have to be dealt with at some point. Jesse and I aren't real sure how to handle it though because really, how do you make someone like your kid more? Or at least act like they do?

The less important issue (but the one that's more pressing right now) is the way my MIL is reacting to the surrogacy. From the very first time we brought it up to her to the most recent time we saw her (sometime after Christmas) she has done the exact same thing with me every time. She looks me right in the eye, shakes her head sadly and says "It's going to be so hard for you to give that baby up. You're going to be heartbroken."

Oh, that pisses me off. It makes me angry just thinking about it.

Maybe that sounds like I'm over-reacting. Maybe you would say that she's just expressing concern for me. I would have to disagree. Concern would be if she said, once or twice (or even thre times) something like "I'm worried about how this is going to be for you. Do you think it will be hard for you to give up the baby?" This is something else. I'm not sure what. A need to be right? An attempt to set herself up for a great big "I told you so!" when I come crying to her about how much I miss the baby? A complete inability to hear the response I have given her over and over and over?

Every time she does it I explain why I am confident that I will ok with it and how I have gone into this with a clear head, knowing what my goal is and that "giving the baby up" is the ultimate goal and that it's something I'm eager to achive.

And every time she shakes her head and says "But it's going to be so hard for you." Every time.

Imagine if every time you saw someone they looked you right in the eye and said "You know that major life decision you're making? You'll be sorry! What's that? You say you won't? Well, you're wrong!"

She's not basing what she's saying on what she knows about me because she doesn't even know me that well. Maybe she's basing it on how she feel like she would react.

You know what? I get it. I get that not everyone could be (or would want to be) a surrogate. I even get that not everyone can understand how someone else can do it. I get it, I really do. But I don't think her lack of understanding of the situation makes it ok for her to be all doom and gloom with me every time she sees me.

So we won't see the in-laws for a little while. I really don't want to have to deal with that. Am I over-reacting? (I don't think I am but I acknowledge that I am somewhat hormonal vulnerable to occasional episodes of over-reaction.)


Anonymous said...

It's about her judging you. Pure and simple.

Sophie Treadmill said...

I don't think you're over-reacting. You have a perfect right to feel the way you do. Just like wheelsonthebus said, it is about her judging you. Granted, sometimes people just don't know how to express themselves and I'm sure there is genuine concern on her part, but it does sound biased and judgy, to me. Whatever the case, you feel what you feel, and I wouldn't feel like skipping down the walk to her front door either if it were me.

As for the favoring certain grandchildren (and knowing that makes me wanna harshly judge her for judging you with the surrogacy)---What a sucky phenomenon. I just don't get that. Is a little self-awareness that freaking difficult?

Sounds like taking a break for a little while might be a good idea. Do they live far away? Cuz that certainly makes it easier.