On the lighter side

Ok, nothing political this time. Just a little something to make you laugh.

Happy Halloween!

I won't lay off until he wins

I swear you guys. I swear.

Attention to detail

I love calling my surrogacy agency. No matter when I call, for whatever reason, the phone call always ends the same way.

Me: Ok, I'll get those faxed over to you later today.
Case worker: Thank you so much!
Me: I'll talk to you later.
Case worker: Ok! And be sure to call me when your cycle starts!

It's not every place of business that takes such an interest in their clients. And you know what? It's nice to be asked to share. And for some reason the people in my every day life run away when I start trying to talk to them about my cycle.

Intelligent political discourse

My brother came over for pizza and MST3K and political talk the other night. It went like this:

My brother (upon finding out that I am going to vote for a certain person): "What?!?! How can you vote for him? He's such a douche bag!"
Me: "They're all douche bags. At least the douche bag I'm backing doesn't want to overturn Roe v Wade."

You know what? I didn't say that. I actually just said "Nah-uh!" and then accused him of taking too many paper napkins. Don't even try to debate with me because I'll put you in your place.

In other news, this "video" makes me want to "make out" with "Samantha Bee" and "buy" her some "chocolate".

Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for she

Guess what Elle's going to be for Halloween this year.

This was taken at an early trick or treating event. Because when you look this cute you don't go out just once. You make the most of it.

No rest for the weary

It's been a month since we moved into this house. In that month Joseph has slept through the night one time. Once. All the other nights he's woken up multiple times screaming for us to "help" him go back to sleep. Some nights he falls back asleep quickly and we'll only have to spend a couple of minutes with him. Other nights he'll scream and cry for an hour or more.

Last night was a rough one. For two hours he yelled and screamed at me. I sat there and listened to him as he screamed that once corner of his room was too dark, that he was cold, that he was hot, that his head hurt, that he hated me, that the computer room down the hall was too dark, that his leg hurt, that I was the worst mother ever, that his nose was runny, that he wanted to read a book and on and on and on and on. Outwardly I managed to keep my cool and I spoke to him in low, soothing tones (only raising my voice once when he wouldn't stop screaming "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy Daddy Daddy Daddy!" at the top of his lungs) and tried to gently convince him to go back to sleep.

On the inside though I was screaming too. "Why won't he just knock it off? Why won't he sleep? Can't he see how tired I am? Why won't he just be normal?"

We're at the end of our ropes here. During the day Joseph is cranky and hyper because he's not getting enough sleep. Jesse and I are crabby, with each other and with the kids, because we're not getting enough sleep.

I just don't know what to do. We've tried everything. Everything that should work hasn't worked. Every time someone asks "Have you tried .....?" the answer is yes, we've tried it and it didn't work. In fact, instead of getting better the situation seems to be getting worse.

I don't even know why I'm posting this. Maybe in a day or two I'll regret saying "Hey internet! Come read about how horrid my kid is and what a rotten mom I am!" Maybe not. Maybe I'm just wishing that someone out there will have a magical idea that fixes everything and lets us all get the sleep that we need.

I know I said we've tried it all but my god, what do we do here?

Alternate titles for Survivor

1. You're Old and Jeff Probst Hates You
2. The Jeff Probst Variety Hour
3. Jeff Probst Kind of Wishes You Would Walk in Front of a Bus
4. Hot Young Dudes That Jeff Probst Loves and Then Some Other People
5. The Penis Hour
6. Just How Big is the Stick That Jeff Probst Has Up His Butt?
7. America's Funniest Head Injuries
8. Sugar, Not as Annoying as You Might Have Thought at First But Still Just as Stupid
9. The Jeff Probst Enforced Leader Picking Show
10. Jeff Probst Turns Into a Cranky Old Man Right Before Your Very Eyes

If you live in California

Now is the time to donate. Let your support be known.

(Swiped from Looky, Daddy!)

HBO is not good for people over 50

My parents were at my house the other day and I overheard my dad ask my mom something. She responded with "Most def."

I told my brother about this and he told me that he had been over for dinner one night and the words "You need to get up in this here rice." had been uttered.

My parents aren't allowed to watch The Wire any more.

Not buying it

That show on VH1, The Pick-Up Artist. People actually watch that show? Like, on purpose? And this Mystery guy. Women actually sleep with him? On purpose?

I'm sorry, I fail to see how either of those things can be true.

I have a strong desire to meet this Mystery guy. I would like for him to try to pick me up just so that I could laugh at him. Then I would like for him to walk away from me a sad and broken man because all his tricks failed to woo a chubby midwestern housewife. And then I would like for him to realize that he's not nearly as awesome as he thinks he is so he goes home and backs out of his stupid show and the show has to be cancelled and everyone who looks up to him realizes what a loser he is and no one ever hears from him again ever. That's what I want. Is that so much to ask?

To cleanse myself of thoughts of that horrid, horrid little man and his horrid, horrid little show, here is a video of my friend Jen singing at a coffee shop. Jen is amazing. In addition to brewing beer and birthing babies (she was my doula) she writes and sings her own music. She's probably pretty handy with a skill saw too.

The laziest person in the world

I have two piles of paperwork sitting in front of my right now, both of them begging for my attention. One is the paperwork I need to do in order to give birth to someone else's child. Another is the paperwork I need to do in order to care for someone else's child. I hate paperwork so much that I'm starting to wonder if I should just skip becoming a surrogate and a respite care provider and just have a baby of my own instead. There's probably a lot less writing involved with that.

Circular logic

I was in a bad mood when I got up this morning. I was not in the mood to get up and make beds, load the dishwasher, do laundry and spend the day picking up after everyone else.

I sat Elle down at the counter with a juice box and banana and then proceeded to stomp dramatically around the kitchen. The fact that only Elle was there to witness it wasn't going to stop me from showing exactly how persecuted I felt this morning.

At first Elle kept up a stream of cheerful chatter. She's a morning person, it's what she does. At one point though I noticed that she wasn't really saying much. I turned to look at her and make sure she was ok and I found her staring thoughtfully out the window. After a moment she turned to face me and with a great big smile on her face said "Mama, I like circles."

I don't know how she did it but I'm not in a bad mood anymore.

Vagabond

I think we've discovered our local vagabond in our new neighborhood. You know what I'm talking about. Every neighborhood has one. It's the kid that just won't ever flipping go away.

Oh, it started out simple enough. I thought she was kind of cute at first. The day we moved in she asked me "Will he be my best friend!?!" while pointing to Joseph. Joseph was on cloud nine.

The next day I was introducing myself and the kids to the woman next door and her three red-headed little girls when the vagabond popped up again. "You're still my best friend right?" she asked Joseph.

"Uh, yeah" he said. "What's you're name again?"

I thought I caught the woman next door raising her eyebrows at me in sort of a crazy way but I just chalked it up to a facial tic and not as an attempt to warn me that the vagabond was going to attach herself to us like a leech.

Two days later Joseph and I were having a conversation with the four year old across the street. She started telling us about the vagabond. "She just comes to my house every day to bug me. She never goes away. Plus, she picked one of my mom's flowers!"

Joseph looked very serious. "Do you have any evidence of this?"

Without missing a beat the four year old responded "I don't even know what evidence is."

I like the four year old across the street.

In the past few days the vagabond has been here constantly. The second we walk in the door after school she's right there ringing the bell. If I say he can't play just then she hangs around outside the house until he can play. It's getting a little old and we've only lived here a week or so.

I think it crossed the line from "cute" to "Ok, now you're weirding me out" last night though. She and her brother and Joseph had played together for about three hours or so and then I said we had to take a break and eat dinner. I said that Joseph could maybe go for a scooter ride after dinner and if he could I would send him out later. Five minutes later I'm standing in front of the stove and I turn towards the front window and there she is, standing on our front porch just looking into the house.

I'm sorry, that irked me. Maybe I'm over-reacting because after all, she's only six but come one! I don't like anyone looking in my windows.

How do you handle kids like this? Does your neighborhood have one? And if you think it doesn't is it possible that's because your kid is that kid?