Thursday, January 29, 2009

The best of me on Twitter

I've been seeing a lot of people posting compilations of their best twitter tweets. Here's my attempt. These are all real. Marvel at my fascinating awesomeness.

*I can't see out of my right eye. Do you think that's important?
*What the hell is wrong with me? I'm eating candy you squeeze out of a tube. On purpose!
*I just found out a gourmet cupcake shop opened two blocks from my house. My ass is going to get so huge.
*I hate spending all day on the phone fighting to get the money I'm owed. I need that money for cupcakes!
*I clogged the toilet today but didn't tell my husband so that when he came home and took his evening poo he would think he clogged it. (I tweet about poop a lot.)
*Spent the day at the zoo. I smell like an otter.
*Why do I keep smelling bananas?
*I'm eating a Fun Dip. Remember Fun Dips? Not really all that fun. (I tweet about what I'm eating a lot. I eat a lot of crap.)
*My stomach hurts like I just did 100 sit ups. Which is odd because I actually did none sit ups.
*Just coughed up a large chunk of something solid. Could it be a piece of my lung? Or that tater tot I inhaled last night?
*I have a really good recipe for Swedish meatballs. No I don't. I was just trying to impress you.
*I'm worried that my love for Deadliest Catch means I'm secretly attracted to stinky, grizzled guys.
*It's raining and the drug dealers across the street have their car windows open. This pleases me.
*The kids are being kept happy by playing with a yard of crushed velvet. I'm not even kidding. They've been at if for 30 minutes now. (I'm raising the village idiots here.)
8I am the biggest dork in the universe. I watch America's Funniest Videos and chuckle heartily."Haha! The cat fell off the tv! Haha!"
*Vagina's are evil I guess. I dunno, I love talking about mine. (It's true. I tweet about my lady bits A LOT.)
*I'm always suspicious that people who come to look at our house are going to go through my underwear drawer and laugh at my granny panties.
*This is a SPARK PLUG!!!
*I am photoshopping a picture of a deep fried candy bar. I may need professional help here.
*Who actually buys those Kidz Bop cds? People who hate music and children and life?
*It's impossible to dislike a sport that involves walking like you're trying to solve a Rubik cube with your butt cheeks. (I think I was talking about speedwalking here.)
*I once threw up, crapped and cried at the same time. Impressed? Maybe a little turned on even?
*Something in my back just popped. Can't move without pain. Please send chocolate and a stick I can hold in my mouth and type with.
*Little known fact - Sarah Palin does not like it when @thebloggess calls her a mythical hobbit. (This was post BlogHer and pre-election. Topical humor.)
*Hmmm. Not bad. Needs more nut slapping.

Now it's your turn. Tell me the best thing you ever twittered. Tell me your twitter name too so that I can follow you if I'm not already.


Ethan, Zach, and Emma's Mom said...

Here's a couple of my faves:
"I'm in bed under my down comforter. Dan is outside sleeping in a shelter made of snow. Crazy runs deep in our family..."
"Alexis just compared her mother's croissants to a male body part. Priceless comedy. Or I just have a weird sense of humor."
"My husband is making spit balls and shooting them out of the BB gun with the boys. I'M SO GLAD EMMA IS A GIRL!"
(I'm on twitter as ethanzachemma. I know, shocker, right?)

Ethan, Zach, and Emma's Mom said...

Oopie, forgot to tell you I love your tweets!

The Naked Wife said...

Some of my better (maybe?) moments:
"Death or candy necklace thong? That's a tough choice."
"It is impossible for me to shiver without saying 'Mufasa' under my breath. My favorite thing is when people respond with 'say it again.'"
"I just asked "Can you put cast iron in the microwave." No sooner had the words left my mouth, I realized....I'm a moron."
"Husband asked me yesterday if you could pee with a tampon in. Amazed he doesn't know this because A) he's 26 and B)he's a biology major."
"I did get slightly (read: sloppy) drunk tonight...I think it helped."

I love your blog and I'd like to follow you on twitter too! You can find me at vtrammell. Have a good day!

Cinthia said...

These are mine:

Spent 2 days convincing myself I was super special for a job interview, but I don't think the interviewer noticed or cared.
Amish Friendship Bread is like if a pound cake and a coffee cake had a baby. Aww and yum.
I wonder if the people who use twitter are really that melodramatic in their daily lives, or maybe it's just the people *I* follow.
@afriend: that SUCKS. You can always talk to me, if you want. You're too far away for me to betray or judge or backstab. Plus I don't.
Plotting dastardly plan to inflict financial harm on the jackholes that boxed me in (street parking). Just thinkin about it is so rewarding!
Of course Obama's a lefty. He was prominently featured at Lefty's in SF, a shop just for lefties. Lefty, lefty, lefty.
Pace picante sauce has a commercial w/ a dirty-nailed farmer picking & cutting peppers. Organic & fresh is good, but dirty nails never are.

and I am cinthiacg on Twitter.

My Diary said...

I was laughing my head off. I have not been on twitter, but now I am very intrigued.