The best of me on Twitter

I've been seeing a lot of people posting compilations of their best twitter tweets. Here's my attempt. These are all real. Marvel at my fascinating awesomeness.

*I can't see out of my right eye. Do you think that's important?
*What the hell is wrong with me? I'm eating candy you squeeze out of a tube. On purpose!
*I just found out a gourmet cupcake shop opened two blocks from my house. My ass is going to get so huge.
*I hate spending all day on the phone fighting to get the money I'm owed. I need that money for cupcakes!
*I clogged the toilet today but didn't tell my husband so that when he came home and took his evening poo he would think he clogged it. (I tweet about poop a lot.)
*Spent the day at the zoo. I smell like an otter.
*Why do I keep smelling bananas?
*I'm eating a Fun Dip. Remember Fun Dips? Not really all that fun. (I tweet about what I'm eating a lot. I eat a lot of crap.)
*My stomach hurts like I just did 100 sit ups. Which is odd because I actually did none sit ups.
*Just coughed up a large chunk of something solid. Could it be a piece of my lung? Or that tater tot I inhaled last night?
*I have a really good recipe for Swedish meatballs. No I don't. I was just trying to impress you.
*I'm worried that my love for Deadliest Catch means I'm secretly attracted to stinky, grizzled guys.
*It's raining and the drug dealers across the street have their car windows open. This pleases me.
*The kids are being kept happy by playing with a yard of crushed velvet. I'm not even kidding. They've been at if for 30 minutes now. (I'm raising the village idiots here.)
8I am the biggest dork in the universe. I watch America's Funniest Videos and chuckle heartily."Haha! The cat fell off the tv! Haha!"
*Vagina's are evil I guess. I dunno, I love talking about mine. (It's true. I tweet about my lady bits A LOT.)
*I'm always suspicious that people who come to look at our house are going to go through my underwear drawer and laugh at my granny panties.
*This is a SPARK PLUG!!!
*I am photoshopping a picture of a deep fried candy bar. I may need professional help here.
*Who actually buys those Kidz Bop cds? People who hate music and children and life?
*It's impossible to dislike a sport that involves walking like you're trying to solve a Rubik cube with your butt cheeks. (I think I was talking about speedwalking here.)
*I once threw up, crapped and cried at the same time. Impressed? Maybe a little turned on even?
*Something in my back just popped. Can't move without pain. Please send chocolate and a stick I can hold in my mouth and type with.
*Little known fact - Sarah Palin does not like it when @thebloggess calls her a mythical hobbit. (This was post BlogHer and pre-election. Topical humor.)
*Hmmm. Not bad. Needs more nut slapping.

Now it's your turn. Tell me the best thing you ever twittered. Tell me your twitter name too so that I can follow you if I'm not already.