To sleep

I don't know what's wrong with me.

That's not true. I do know what's wrong with me. I need to get some sleep.

I've got insomnia.

This is not a new thing for me. It's happened before. Lots of times before. I am a chronic non-sleeper. Even on my best, most restful days it can take me an hour of laying in bed before I fall asleep.

Now? Now I'm stuck in some kind of sleepless cycle that's causing my mind to become fuzzy and my body to become sluggish. I lack focus and energy. It took me ten minutes to write the last two sentences. I'll spellcheck this so that you'll never know I misspelled half the words.

The weather is not helping the situation. The gray days, the hard crust of icy snow covering everything, the icy winds that slip inside your coat and into your bones if you give them half a chance. They all make you want stay inside, curl up in a warm bed and take a nap. I want to but I can't.

I need to get some sleep.

I've tried everything and nothing is working. I had a little bit of a cold so I took some NyQuil and then remembered that they took all the good stuff out of it. I took an all natural sleep remedy and had an all natural night of tossing and turning and wanting to cry from frustration when the alarm clock went off. I took an over the counter sleep aid and then stayed up till well past three in the morning watching Nick at Night.

I remember after my aunt died my mother and all of her sisters took an all natural sleep aid to help them at night. They all thought it worked. I tried one and it didn't work for me. I finally had to go to the doctor to get something prescribed to me. Five days later the bad sleep cycle was broken. I had a few pills left over and I gave one to my mom. She took it then went to use the computer. An hour later my dad heard a strange beeping noise. He found my mom sitting at the computer desk, fast asleep. The beeping was caused by the "e" key being pressed non-stop. By her cheek. She had fallen asleep with her face firmly planted on the keyboard. I envy her sleeping like that.

I need to get some sleep.

I suppose now my only option is to go back to the doctor. I haven't though for a variety of reason. The big one is that the thought of paying for an office co-pay and prescription makes my checkbook hurt. Sleep is a right, not a luxury. I don't want to have to pay for it. Not now, not at a time when the economy makes me worry over every little purchase.

At the grocery store I pick up a bag of brown rice. $3.69? Can that be right? Can I afford that right now? I put the rice back. Later Jesse laughs at me. "Get the rice! We can afford it!" That's easy for him to say. He can sleep at night. I get the rice but put back the cans of tuna. The kids each want a box of fruit snacks and I say yes. Why should they suffer because I am so tired?

I really need to get some sleep.

Edited to add - This is partly real and partly "artistic expression". Yes, I'm tired and too cheap to go to the doctor. I'm also just throwing out something that was rolling around in my head last night. All is well and sooner or later I will sleep again.