Utter crap

I got a flyer in the mail today from a group called Defending Moral Values. They wanted to inform me about such things as how same sex marriage is selfish, how abortion causes maternal depression and how telling our children to "tolerate" the homosexual lifestyle will lead to child pornography. It all makes perfect sense to me! Or, not so much.

When I read the thing I was annoyed enough to call them up and demand that they take my name off their mailing list. No phone number. I sent them an email telling them that I find their ideas offense and that I pretty much stood for everything that they're against. My guess is that now I'm on some kind of crazy list and I'm going to be getting more crap like this in the future.

I've told Joseph about what "gay" means. I've explained that when two people love each other what really matters is that they're nice to each other and treat each other well. He seems to understand it and think it's not big deal. Amazingly he has not yet been drawn into the world of child porn.

This group also focuses on how gay marriage is threatening "true" marriage. Uh, how exactly? They don't say. Can someone please explain to me how my marriage is affected AT ALL by any two other consenting adults getting married? If two people find each, fall in love and choose to spend their lives together doesn't that just strenghten the idea of marriage in general? I have yet to see one bit of evidence that John Doe and John Smitth falling in love hurts me (or anyone) at all.

These groups that try to hide their messages of hate under the guise of trying to protect children really bother me. I won't give a flying flip if Joseph would turn out to be gay. And although I hope she never finds herself having to make the choice I can honestly say I wouldn't be angry at Elle if she came to me someday and told me she needed to have an abortion. These are things that I could deal with as a parent. But let me tell you what would make me sick. I would be disgusted to find out that one of my children had ever sent out a flyer like the one I got today. I don't want to raise people like that. Hell, I don't even want to admit that they exsist.

If you agree with me then please shoot an email over to the folks at Defending Moral Values. Let them know that hate is not a value that your family promotes. I would say more but my phone is ringing so I have to go. It's probably those darn child pornographers calling again.

Ignore that

Ignore that last entry. Clearly some crazy drunk person broke into my house and posted an entry onto my blog. If you'll excuse me I now have to go back to being the perfect model of decorum and dignity.

Whooooooo!

Halloween party after party tongight! Whoooooo! Why is mt room spinninying? Whoooo!

Surrogate zombies

A while ago I joined a message board for surrogates. It was really helpful and I got a lot of great answers and advice. I'm starting to notice something strange about it though. Nearly every single person in the forum (except for me) has these HUGE "signatures" at the end of each of their posts. They list how many kids they have, how many times they've been a surrogate, when they gave birth, what they gave birth to, the list goes on and on. It's like it's a competition. (Don't even get me started on how everyone there uses an average of 12 animates smilies per post.) Ever stranger is that many of the women there have screen names like "BigHeart" and "AngelMaker" and "GiftGiver". It all seems very self-congratulatory.

I'm also starting to notice a not-so-nice tone that some of the women have when someone new comes around asking questions about surrogacy. One woman actually told me that since I had such bad morning sickness no IP (intended parents) were going to want towork with me because morning sickness was just such a hassle. Bitch, please. It's not like I'm going to have them come over to my house and hold my hair back while I'm puking. I would think that if morning sickness was a problem then maybe my agency would have told me that! But stuff like that gets said all the time. I suspect that some of these women see surrogacy as such an awesome thing that they've done that they think they themselves are awesome and no one else can ever be awesome enough to do what they did. They've bought into the hype.

And there is hype. Every person I've talked to about this surrogacy idea says how great it is and how wonderful I am to do it and all that good stuff. And it's nice to hear that, it really is. I think it is a good thing that I'm doing. But do I think that it makes me the be all, end all Earth Mother, life giver? No, I think it makes me a person who wants to help someone have a family and gain something for my own family at the same time.

I don't want to become one of those surrogate zombies. I don't want my whole life to be about this. I've been talking a lot about it lately because there have been some significant developments with the agency. I'm sure I'll talk about it a lot more too as it gets closer. I just don't want it to be what I'm all about. I don't want to start calling myself "FamilyCreator". I don't want to give out virtual hugs to strangers via animated smilies. I don't want to be bitchy and territorial about the whole process. I never want to call my surrogacy a "journey". I really don't want to be a zombie.

He's baaaaa-aaaack!

The horror...... the horror!

I'm sorry, but this thing just creeps the living shit out of me. It might be because when I was very young I spent the night over at the house at someone who had one. In the middle of the night I woke up to find myself staring into it's cold, souless eyes. It's like looking into death it's self. Even worse though was when it was talked because you could hear the motor whirring away inside it's head, making it's eyes blink and mouth move.

People, I beg of you! If you care about the mental health of your children do not buy them this toy. At $69.85 there have got to be cheaper ways to scar your kids for life.

Weaning Elle

Elle and I are coming to the end of our nursing road. She's down to just twice a day now. She's not totally happy about it but she's doing ok. Probably better than I am. It makes me so sad when we're cuddling up and she pulls my shirt up and tries to suck on my stomach. It actually makes it a little sad just to think about it.

I have to stop nursing her before I go forward with the surrogacy because I have to be on some medication for a while that you can't take while nursing. I'm also finding that I'm not enjoying it as much as I used to. When we do nurse Elle is squirming around, biting, pulling on my clothes and "talking". None of it makes for a very comfortable nursing session for me.

The good news is that I succeeded in my goal to nurse for a year. (Formula is fine what it's the only option available but I really, really think that babies should be nursed whenever possible.) Now Elle can go right to milk without ever having to go on formula. I'm really proud of both of us for sticking with it even when it was so hard in the beginning. For the first 2-3 months I hated nursing. Now though I think that it has given Elle and I a bond that nothing else could. Once we got it worked out it became something that we both really enjoyed. I'm a little sad to give that up.

I'll miss the way she'll suddenly stop sucking and smile up at me. I'll miss how warm and cozy she feels when she falls asleep on my lap, her tummy all full of milk. I'll miss the funny face she makes when she wants to nurse and I'm just not getting things ready fast enough. I'll miss her soft, contented sighs and the way she gently pats when chest when she's really happy to get to nurse.

On the other hand, I'll be really glad to have my boobs shrink back to normal size again.

Nursing has been wonderful for us and if Elle didn't like table food so much I would probably put off the surrogacy and continue to nurse for a while. But I feel like now is the right time for both of us to stop.

So if you happen to see me in the next couple of weeks and I'm sobbing as I stuff cabbage leaves into my bra, just keep in mind that I'm trying to wean.

Sucky?

I just realized that I started off my last entry by saying that my day had been "sucky". Sucky? Did I turn 12 for a second there? Yeesh.

Becky and I went to the Women's Expo today. We got a ton of free stuff like lotion, eye drops, candy and notepads. We also entered about 10,000 different drawings. It was fun, good to get out of the house for a few hours even if it was just to battle my way through a crowd of 2000 people just to get a bag of fruit snacks.

Could it be?

Today started off kind of sucky as I got a call from yet another agency saying "You're great, you're perfect, we would love to work with you ...... but". The insurance was the problem again. I was getting a little down about the whole thing.

Then, a suprise. I got a call this afternoon from someone at the very first agency that I applied to. (They were the ones I really wanted to work with.) She said she had a Minnesota couple who wanted to work with a Minnesota surrogate. They were willing to bend the agency rules that surrogates deliver at hospitals that have a level 3 NICU and work with someone who could deliver at hospital that only had a level 2 NICU. Guess who that someone is? Me! Yes! Now it's not 100% for sure yet since they'll have to do the background check next week but I know that won't be a problem. Once I've had all my medical stuff done and met the couple things should be moving forward in the next couple of months. I didn't get any real info about the couple over the phone but the person from the agency said she would email me some details. I haven't gotten her email yet but that's no biggie. We were already "matched" based on our profiles of who we wanted to work with. We will have to meet later on and make the decision to continue or not but I'm not really worried about that not working out.

How awesome is that? The only drawback (and it's pretty tiny) is that I will have to go to an OBGYN and deliver in a hospital about a half hour away. That's nothing, I can deal with that. I am so excited! If this works out (and I really have a good feeling about it) I am taking the 4 of us on a Disney Cruise. Oh man, I'm pumped.!

A tough day

Today was one of those tough days with Joseph that leaves me questioning nearly everything about myself as a mother. Sometimes I'm too tough on him and sometimes I'm not tough enough. It's so rare that I feel like I've found the right balance with him. He's such a great kid but sometimes (like today) I feel like I don't even get to enjoy being his mother. I feel like I'm always dealing with a meltdown or trying to figure out how to best avoid future meltdowns or wondering what it is exactly that caused the last meltdown. At the end of most days I just feel exhausted. It's like I'm fighting a battle and I don't even know who or what it is that I'm fighting against.

There was a big screaming fit today at food therapy over macaroni and cheese of all flipping things. It was one of those yucky times where I just want to grab him by the shoulders and say "Stop it! Just be normal!" I hate that those thoughts even go through my head. Then I feel guilty for thinking that when he can't control the way he is so I let him get away with doing stuff that he can control. I don't know how to break us out of this cycle right now. It's rough.

So, no more kids for me. I'm already in way over my head as it is. Ask me again in 10 years or so.

Another kid picture

Here's Joseph showing Elle how to use her new MPwee player.

Let her eat cake

Elle eating cake on her birthday


Elle eating cake during her birthday party

Picture this

Elle was supposed to have her one year pictures taken yesterday but she was too crabby from all her shots so we rescheduled for today. Today didn't go so good either. Elle was way crabby and wanted nothing to do with the whole thing at first. The photographer and I finally got her to smile and she had taken 8 pictures when Elle fell off the little bench she was sitting on. I grabbed and and caught her but in the process I managed to .... smash .... her face on the leg of the bench. Needless to say she started to cry right away. I can't say I blame her because her lip was gushing blood everywhere. It looks ok now but for a second there I was certain I had split her entire face in half. That was the end of today's picture taking.

Elle's never going to let me take her anywhere again.

One year check-up

Elle had her one year check up today. She had 5 shots and blood drawn. Poor baby. The doctor said she's the most perfect baby he's ever seen. Ok, I said that. He did say that she looked very healthy and that she has a beautiful smile. Always good things to hear.

Elle has really developed a real vocabulary recently. She says mama, dada, baba (Joseph), nana (when she wants to nurse), yeah, dow (down), annyang, he-ho (hello), no, cah-cah-chaaaa, goo gah (good girl) and nigh nigh (night night). Today she also learned what noise a dog makes. Ask her and she'll tell you "woo woo". Pretty cute.

Can you believe?

That Elle was ever this small? This picture was taken a year ago today.

Happy, happy birthday baby

Elle is a year old today. I can't even wrap my brain around that. A year ago at this time I had been in labor for about 12 hours and Jesse and I were on our way to the hopsital. How can that be? It seems like it was just yesterday. Now I look at my sweet and sassy little girl and I'm amazed at how much she's grown, how much she's changed. She's such an angel, we're so lucky to have her.

Proof!

If only I had something like these in high school that I could have shown to people. (Although, I don't despise nerds, I happen think most of them are pretty cool once you get to know them.)

Glad I could help

Today someone came to my site through Google after searching for "baby always has green boogers in her nose". I'm sorry I'm not able to offer some helpful advice.

Today some nice ladies came to the door to talk about forming a neighborhood watch. We talked about how we noticed how not nice the neighborhood had gotten recently. They seemed so sweet and good-intentioned that I didn't have the heart to tell them we're planning on getting the heck outta Dodge soon and that I wouldn't be able to help them with their neighborhood watch. It's a good idea but I think it might take more than that to change things around here.

We've been getting at least one phone call a day for some politician or another. I've started telling them all that I'm notgoing to vote. It seems to bother them but the fact is that there is no canidate for any office that I can throw my support behind 100%. They're all bad. Plus, my one little vote won't make a difference. This will be the first election since I was able to vote that I won't vote in. I feel so American.

A new plan

I may already have a lead on a new surrogacy agency. I spoke with someone on Thursday and did a preliminary phone interview and she's going to be sending me complete application in the mail. So, we'll see.

Annoyed

Argh. I'm not in a good mood today.

Joseph's behavioral therapist has come up with a theory that Joseph a) doesn't have Aspergers and b)has Reactive Attatchment Disorder. This bugs me for a lot of reasons. I'm suspicious that one of ther big reasons for thinking this is that he's adopted. In fact she told me that a lot of adopted children have this. I guess I don't buy it. I would be less skeptical if she had said she thought he has RAD in addition for AS. I'm annoyed and I don't want to think about it right now.

I got a call from the surrogacy agency that I was working with. The key word there is "was". Turns out that there is not a hospital close enough to me that will accept their insurance. There goes that. Now I have to start researching agencies again and start the whole application/intervew process over. Bah.

If you're the praying kind then please continue to pray for baby Jackson. He's very sick right now and could really use a little extra help. Thankfully IDAT has gotten better and is now out of the hospital but she hasn't even been able to hold her little guy yet since he's so sick. It breaks my heart that they're having such a rocky start so, yeah, keep them in your prayers. (Oh, and thank you mom for doing the distance healing for him.)