Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Ass Burgers

"Hey Mom" he'll say "Remember when I had aspergers?"

Aspergers, ass burgers, aspergers. I'm so sick of aspergers.

I'm so sick of forgetting that I have a little boy and not just a little boy with aspergers. I'm sick of seeing him do something naughty and wondering "Is that the aspergers? Is that his medication doing that? Did I do something to set that off? How did I fail? How did he fail?" and not remembering that sometimes 6 year old boys are just naughty.

I'm tired of not really knowing what's going on with Joseph becuase even though we've been told "aspergers" we know that it's really just a working diagnosis and what it really means is "there's something wrong here and this is what it probably is but maybe not because he fits A and B but not really C so who knows what in the heck is going on".

I hate always feeling like my parenting is on display, with my family, with my friends, with an army of doctors and therapist. Because when you have a child with special needs you damned well better be doing everything right so that no one can look at you and say "Oh, so that's why that kid is that way".

I wish I had never heard the word "aspergers". I know it's good that we saw it early so that he could get help but a big part of me wishes that we could all just float along, blissfully thinking "man, what a wonderfully weird kid" and not "Oh no! He did something weird! It's the Aspergers!"

I can't stand reading or hearing things like "Aspergers isn't so bad compared to X" or "Aspergers isn't really that bad" because when it's your child "not so bad" is "far worse than it should be". Joseph shouldn't have to deal with this, I don't care how "not so bad" it is.

I'm burned out on taking him to therapy, he's burned out on going. I'm annnoyed by trying to figure out what medication he should be on and how much of it and if whatever he's on would work better with something else and if the possible side effects of it are worth it. And I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that we're medicating him at all when I've ranted and raved about children in this society being overmedicated.

I'm sad that my fantasies of what Joseph's life may be like include things like the day he graduates college and he turns to me and says "Hey Mom, remember when I had aspergers?" and how we'll laugh as we remember how silly all that was. I'm sad because even though I hold onto the hope that he'll someday grow out of whatever this is I think that probably he won't. I think he'll always be sweet, funny, sensitive, kind, special, moody, loving, generous, assertive, shy, smart and different. I just wish I was more ok with the last one.

Aspergers, fucking ass burgers.

1 comment:

StickyKeys said...

You're a beautiful, sweet, caring mom and I love that even when you get exhausted you still have the unction and courage to share it so lovingly. I don't have any experience with this disorder, but I know any parents dealing with it are to be commended. You're doing a great job, the love you and your husband show your kids is astounding and leaps off the page, don't ever forget that and you'll be fine.