Friday, July 13, 2007

Is this for real?

I got rather large check in the mail yesterday. No, not a giant novelty check. Just a check with a large amount on it. It was my fee for the embryo transfer. It isn't a life changing amount of money but it is a pretty good sized chunck of change. Bigger than what we usually have laying around.

It feels really strange. On Monday I'll be 8 weeks pregnant and I still have to remind myself that this is really happening. I don't feel pregnant. I mean, I know that I am because I'm tired and pukey and my boobs but I don't feel pregnant. There's none of the "Oh yea! A baby is coming!" excitment that I had when I was pregnant with Elle.

I suppose a big part of that is because there's been nothing organic about this pregnancy. Between the blood tests and the vaginal scans from hell and the nightly shots and the silvery discharge this is all feeling less like a pregnancy and more like some kind of crazy science experiment. Maybe it will feel different when the baby starts to move. For now though this whole thing is just surreal and bizzare.

The issue of if will bond with this baby or not continues to be a sticking point between my father in law and his wife (step mother in law?) and I. Every time we see them they (mostly her I guess) insist that I am going to fall in love with this baby and be crushed when it's born and I have to "give it up". I've explained in the best way I can that I can't give up something that's not mine to begin with. I've explained that I look at this as pre-natal babysiting. I can care for this baby and want the best for it and then let it go happily.

They don't buy it. At our most recent visit my step-MIL insisted again that I would need to be sure to have some vistis with the baby after it was born because I was going to bond with it so much and it would be so hard to give it up and blah blah blah blah blah. I finally just told them that I wasn't worried about bonding with this baby while I was pregnant because I never bonded with Elle while I was pregnant with her. They looked shocked. And horrified. I went on to say "Of course I love her more than anything now but when she was born I wasn't thinking about how much I love my new baby, I was thinking that I was glad it was over so that I could get something to eat."

I'm hopeful that will be the end of that subject. I'm guessing it won't though. I suppose the argument could be made that they're saying that stuff because they're concered about me. I would tell the person that made that argument to shut up. I don't think it's concern. I think it's that they're pretty sure they know what's best for me despite whatever I say. They've always been like this towards me. First it was to question everything we did with Joseph and to nag us about medication. Now it's this. It's agrravating for a lot of reasons I don't really want to get into out of respect for Jesse.

But anyway. I'm getting off track. In reality all is going pretty well. I've got no big complaints and the mailman just threw a package onto our pourch. I bet it the maternity clothes I ordered online. I found some crazy good clearance deals. I've got new clothes, a happy family, salt and vinegar cashews from World Market and the science experiment baby of a gay couple growing in my tummy, what more could a girl ask for?


CDPJ said...

You know, I didn't feel pregnant for a really long time this time around. I'm 19 weeks now and I feel like it's only been a few weeks that I really "feel" pregnant. But then again, I don't necessarily enjoy being pregnant, so maybe that's why. I am flabbergasted a women who say they love being pregnant, so I suppose that's probably why my connection to the pregnancy isn't as strong.

StickyKeys Says: said...

Do they expect you to say "Oh! You're right, I'm going to keep the baby/give it up right now!" I mean really, what's the end of this argument? It just seems really frustrating to hear over and over. You don't really have to justify anything to anyone, just say "Okay, thank you for your persistent opinion, so who's up for some Sizzler!?" or you know, whatever works for you.

Man I wish I could have a large check that I wouldn't know what to do with, but I always have a plan for any amount of money. If I had a million dollars tomorrow I would have it allotted by next week. That's why I don't have any money I think, there's no element of surprise ;)