Letters to people and other things

Dear Wild Cherry Diet Pepsi,
Today is my second day without caffeine. This morning I tried to start the car with piece of turkey jerky.  I miss you.

Dear little bird in my front yard,
I'm sorry I cut down the bush that your nest was in.  I didn't realize what I had done until I saw the broken egg.  Really, I'm sorry.  But can you please stop sitting on the leftover bush stump and tweeting mournfully?  You're starting to bum me out.

Dear Jesse,
Thanks for that weird text about your urine last night.  You really know how to keep the magic alive.

Dear womb,
You are on vacation.  Please stop flipping around like that every time you see a baby.  Seriously.  For a few months let's just focus on things like getting laundry done and the garden weeded.

Dear guy I always see when I drop the kids off at school,
Some days you wear too-tight polo shirts and a bluetooth.  Some days you wear hipster t-shirts and a fedora.  Can you please decided what type of a douche bag you are and just stick with it already?

Dear Donald Trump,
I think I've finally got it figured out.  Everyone you know hates you and they're passive aggressively letting you know that by not telling you how terrible your hair looks.  Am I right?  Or is it that you pay people to tell you how great your hair looks?

Dear St Joe Meat Market turkey jerky,
You are peppery and delicious and yummy. You taste a lot better than my keys.  Trust me on that one.

Two years ago today I exposed myself to the neighbors.  Again.
Three years ago today I had a great lining.
Four years ago today I made fun of people on Hot or Not.