Happy Birthday Chris! Or whatever your name is!

Shortly after Jesse and I were married he told me I was a hypocrite for celebrating Christmas even though I don't believe in God*.

He told me I was a hypocrite.

I'll let you think for a second about how well that went over.

After I had let him out of the garage I explained that the reason I celebrate Christmas is that it's a tradition. My family's traditional Christmas never included any religious aspects at all. We never went to Midnight Mass or had a nativity scene or anything like that. I don't think my parents ever even discussed with us the religious significance of Christmas. For us Christmas was a day of food and family and presents and, when we lived in California, sometimes driving up into the mountains to see "snow". Also known as "little slabs of ice that you could sort of slide on if mom and dad remembered to bring plastic bags with for you to sit on".

I recently recounted the story of newlywed Jesse and I to my mother-in-law and without pausing or missing a beat she said "It's true, you are a hypocrite." My mother-in-law reads this blog and I'm sure she'll give her own version of events in the comments (in 3...2...1...) but trust me, I'm telling the real story here.

Now I do not believe that celebrating Christmas even though I don't believe in God or Jesus or virgin births makes me a hypocrite. I believe that Christmas is just as much my holiday as it is the Pope's ... or, I guess my mother-in-law's.

For me Christmas is about good food and time with family and goodwill towards your fellow man and the spirit of giving and some kick-ass day after Christmas sales. Those are the values and meanings of Christmas that I want to pass on to my children. Those are the traditions I hope to give them. I hope that when they have children if they chose to celebrate Christmas (either in the traditional sense or in the "hypocrite" sense) they'll remember things like how Jesse and I let them hang all the ornaments on the tree even though it meant that only the bottom three feet of the tree got decorated. Or how we would buy toys to donate to Toys for Tots each year. Or how we would all pile into the car and drive around and look at Christmas lights and listen to Christmas music and end up with sore cheeks and bellies from laughing so hard at some of the tackier displays.

Joseph recently told me that people celebrate Christmas because it's the day Chris was born. He had no concept of who Chris was he just knew it was "something about God". After clearing up a few facts I explained that was why some people celebrated Christmas but that's not why we did. I told him about the traditions and feelings I associated with Christmas. After a long, thoughtful he said "So Christmas is just a good time to love each other?"

Yeah. Not everyone gets it but my kid does and that's good enough for me.

*He's not even religious. He just likes to be a pain in the ass.

Three years ago Joseph came home from vacation.

The locks! They do nothing!

Before we moved into this house every place Jesse and I ever lived had just one bathroom. This was never a problem for Jesse as he feels perfectly comfortable using the bathroom while I'm showering or showering while I'm using the bathroom. I'm a bit more .... uptight than he is so I've never been totally comfortable with that arrangement.

Joseph has inherited Jesse's comfort with shared bathroom experiences. In fact, he's taken it to the next level. He'll walk right into the bathroom no matter what you're doing. He'll do it for pretty much any reason too. If he has to use the bathroom, if he wants to throw something away, if he's got something to tell you, if he's bored and has nothing else to do. Thanks to his general lack of awareness of the need for personal space and privacy he sees nothing wrong with it and my shrieks of "Joseph! Get out of the bathroom" really don't even seem to faze him.

You can imagine how pleased I was when we found our current home. Two full bathrooms PLUS a toilet in the laundry room. Score! I really figured that once we moved into this house I would never again have someone walk in on me when I'm in the bathroom. Oh, how I underestimated my family.

It turns out that the best bathroom in my house is "whatever bathroom mom is in". The second I walk into a bathroom it becomes the happening place to be. The kids walk right in. "Mommy, can I have candy?" It's like they know I'll agree to whatever is asked just to get three seconds alone on the toilet. (Yes, I realize I could lock the door but our last house didn't have a lock on the bathroom door and now I'm out of the habit.) Jesse's not much better. He doesn't always walk in but he'll stand right outside the door and talk to me. Um, hello? I'm in there making bathroom noises. I might not enjoy the audience.

On the rare occasion I do remember to lock the door it's pretty much an exercise in futility anyway. The other day I locked the door when I went to take a shower. As I washed my hair I heard someone rattle the knob. "Haha!" I thought "I've done it now! No one will be able to enter my fortress of privacy and shampoo!"

Two minutes later the knob rattled again. I ignored it until I realized the door was actually opening. In walked Jesse and Elle. Jesse had popped the lock open so that he and Elle could come in. Because when I lock the door to the bathroom what I really mean is "I still want you to come in, I just want to make it slightly less convenient for you."

What the hell is wrong with my family? I know it's a hackneyed mommy-blogger complaint but will I ever again have a moment to myself in the bathroom? My family members are three, eight and thirty something. At what age will they realize that privacy is a very precious commodity and that I could use a little more of it? Is my husband doesn't' have it down yet, is there any hope for my children?

I have a story about my mother-in-law that I would like to add here but I won't because she reads this blog (Hi Judy!) and while I'm ok mocking my own immediate family, it gets kind of weird if I'm talking about the in-laws. Let's just say that Jesse's bathroom etiquette appears to be genetic and leave it at that. Oy.

One year ago today it was St Patrick's Day.
Two years ago today I did a Google meme.
Three years ago today I wrote what can only be described as the most boring blog post ever.

Mr Manners

Judy came by to see the kids today. At one point she said "Joseph, I'm going to use the bathroom ok?"

Joseph responded as any other 6 year old would. "Of course! In fact, I would be offended if you didn't!"

Such a funny kid! What am I going to do when he's at school all day?

My week

The week without Jesse went ok. There was really only one day where I considered leaving Joseph at a gas station and my parents were able to help out on that day. (I think his new allergy medication was making him wild. I stopped giving it to him.) Otherwise it went pretty good.

Today was the first day of what has become Joseph's 4 day birthday celebration. Judy came and took us toy shopping and then out to eat. Joseph got a bunch of toys and a meal of fries and chicken strips. I had a really greasy chimichanga and a bunch of gas. I think he got the better deal there.

If you're not Nick Lachey ignore the rest of this post.

Dear Nick,
"Half the man"? Don't be a puss. You're far too good looking to be that upset over Jessica fricken Simpson. Jessica "Chicken of the sea" Simpson. Do yourelf a favor and grow a pair. And if you can't do that then take some of that divorce settlement money and buy yourself a pair.
That's all for now!
Jen
ps. Call me!

Tummy troubles

No update this weekend because Joseph and I both had some kind of stomach bug. Mine resulted in me not eating for about 48 hours and having my back sieze up completly and Joseph's resulted in him throwing up all over our bed and having some of the worst gas man has ever known. We're both better now and it looks like Elle and Jesse managed to avoid catching whatever it was that we had.

On Friday I took the kids to the zoo and Judy joined us for part of the day. It was fun right up until the point where a fire alarm went off and they evacuated the whole zoo. I wonder what happened there.

Starting today Joseph will have a "helper" at soccer. There's a program here where kids with special needs can have someone help them with sports (and other types of activites) to kind of help keep them on track. I told Joseph that he's going to have an extra coach and he's all for it. He's excited because (as he says) she'll help him do his best. What a sweetie.

Joseph, Elle and I will beon our own this week. Jesse's going to be gone all week for work. This should be interesting to see how we all handle it. Pray for Mojo.

It's been a day

You know the kind of day where your 6 month old poops so much that it comes out the top of her diaper and as you're trying to take her shirt off she wiggles around and the poop ends up in her hair? Then she grabs your hair and she has poop on her hands so then you have poop in your hair too? Then as you're cleaning her off she poops even more? Then, when you think she's all clean you realize she has poop in her ear?

How about one of those days where after the poop fiasco your 5 year old sits on the porch and dumps an entire new bottle of bubbles all over himself? Then, as you strip him down to his underwear every person in town walks by and he keeps screaming "I'm a bad person!"? Then, you go to put the bubble soaked clothes with the dirty laundry and you hear your kid on the porch singing only when you get closer you realize that he's not singing, that he's really standing on the porch in his underwear yelling "penis" as loud as he can over and over?

You know those kind of days? You ever have one? Someone please tell me that they've had this kind of day before. Please.

Still missing Joseph

I am amazed at how much I miss Joseph. Everything makes me think about him. We went out to eat tonight with Judy and her parents and I got crackers with my soup. I found myself thinking "Joseph always wants to eat the crackers that come with soup. I should save these for him." I guess in case he's not getting enough stuff in Disney World I should have saved those two saltines that came free with my dinner.

He called tonight while he was watching the Halloween parade in the Magic Kingdom. He was enjoying it too much to say a whole lot but he did tell me that he got a lot of candy and saw the Headless Horseman. I talked to Dad for a second too and he said the Halloween party was "a ball". Then he had to get off the phone to take pictures.

Judy and her parents came for a visit today. It was nice to see them. We went out for dinner and then for ice cream and I don't think I will ever eat again. Judy brought a bunch of stuff she made for the baby. It's all so cute! There were blankets and changing pads and changing pad covers and burb clothes and crib sheets. She used a bunch of different prints and it's all very cute. Good to have that stuff ready to go.

I have to go sit on the exercise ball now, my back is killing me and that's one of the only things that seems to help. More Joseph stuff tomorrow.

Holy crap!

I can't believe how soon this baby is coming. I was talking about it last night with Becky and Jesse and I'm totally freaking out. I tried to comfort myself by saying I had gotten Joseph this far without any major damage but I'm worried I won't be able to have the same luck twice. I just know I'm going to drop this kid on it's head or feed it window cleaner on accident or scar it emotionally when I don't respond exactly the right way to it's cries. Ack!

In lighter news, the weekend was good. We went to the Mall of America with Judy on Saturday. That was fun. Jesse and Joseph got cute matching Viking jereys and I got way to much make-up. Joseph went on some rides at Camp Snoopy, including a ride that nearly scared the living daylights out of him. Basically you sit on a bench and get strapped in and then the bench kind of bounces up and down. He said he liked it but it was kind of hard to tell by the way he was slumped over in his seat hanging onto the lap bar and the little boy next to him for dear life. No big shock that he didn't want to go on it again.

Yesterday Jesse, Becky and I went to a show at the Chanhassen Dinner Theater. (Yes, we were just there but we were able to get a really good deal on tickets via a promotion they were running. For a while it didn't look like we would be able to go but then everything just kind of fell into place and I'm glad it worked out.) It was a two man show depicting the history of the world. It was very funny, it had a lot of laugh out loud parts and we all enjoyed it very much. We also all agreed that the best part was the song about the Potato Famine. Who knew starvation made for such awesome dinner theater?

So, a good weekend. It was nice to be out and doing stuff since in a few weeks we won't be able to pick up and go as easily.

Happy be-lated birthday to my dad (even though I already said it to him on the actually day of his birthday). I had a dream last night that we were making sushi and you kept putting mushrooms in everything. I woke up cursing your name.