Warning: Mommy blogging ahead!

Joseph recently had as assignment at school to write an essay about his family. I know this is the sort of post that only my mom will be interested in but I'm going to post the essay here. I'm doing it partly because I find the whole thing so utterly adorable and partly because his descriptions of Jesse and I leave me wondering if he's ever actually met us.

So, without further ado I present:

My Family

by Joseph

My family and I have lots of fun together. It seems we have something planned every week. These are the members of my family.

My mom's name is Jennifer and she is 32 years old. She's very organized and she loves cooking. She stays home and does housework and watches my sister. She is also very creative and loves using her craft room.

My dad's name is Jesse. He is 34 years old and he is very athletic. He loves spending time with me. He works at the [business name removed] office building and he does a lot of computer work.

My name is Joseph and I am 9 years old. I am creative and very fun. I am a big brother other my little sister.

My sister's name is Elle and she is 4 years old. She is very silly and kind of bossy. She likes to make up games.

My grandma's name is Karen. She is very organized and very neat. She is very fit and in shape. She works at [business name removed] in an office. She loves to invite me over for sleep overs and play dates. She also does that with my sister.

My grandpa's name is William but his nickname is Bill. He likes working on projects. He is very funny. He also like me being there for sleep overs and play dates, same for my sister. He works at [business name removed even though he got it wrong] in an office.

I love my family and there is still so much to come. There are so many members I didn't list like Nana, Ted, Matt, Amanda, Becky, Beany, Shyla, Nikki, Abby, Cole and so many more! The best part is there are so many more adventures to come. That is why I love my family.

The end

One year ago today I broke something awesome and started doing this "One year ago today" thing.
Three years ago today I told you not to take Zicam while you're nursing.
Four years ago today I made fun of a shirtless man.

The good, the bad and the ugly

The Good:
All is well with the babies. They are busy and bouncy and everything babies are supposed to be. Last weeks ultrasound showed them practicing breathing and the little girl was sucking her thumb. The ultrasound tech estimated their weights at 4 pounds 3 ounces and 4 pounds 5 ounces. Elle was 8 pounds 8 ounces when she was born so with every day that passes I'm carrying more baby than I ever have before.

The Bad:
The little girl is breech, with her head planted firmly under my ribs. Unless she flips (and I'm starting to give up hope on that happening) I'll have to have a c-section. I'm less than thrilled about that. I don't like the idea of surgery and I really hate that I'll have to miss out on the whole birthing experience. I know it will be ok but I'm still a bummed.

There is a silver lining to a c-section though. Right now I'm having horrible, burning pain by my lower left ribs. Everything in that area is stretching and expanding and the pain it's causing sometimes just takes my breath away. When I have a braxton-hicks contraction the pain gets about 10 times worse. The idea of going through labor and delivery with this pain is pretty scary. At least with a c-section I can avoid laboring with this rib pain. See? There's a bright side to everything!

The Ugly:
Augh! Look away! It's a nightmare come to life!

Oh, wait. It's just my stretched out belly button complete with a gall bladder surgery scar. You still probably shouldn't look directly at it for too long. It has soul damaging properties.

Man, my camera phone takes disturbingly detailed pictures.

One year ago today I was worried about Joseph's hand writing.

Direct quotes from me

Before I got pregnant: "I can't wait to be pregnant again!"

When I got pregnant: "I love this! I could do this ten more times."

At the height of morning sickness: "I think I'll do this one more time."

Two months ago: "Yowza! I can't believe how big I'm getting!"

Two weeks ago: "Ok, I'm starting to get a little uncomfortable now..."

This morning: "I am never getting pregnant again. Ever. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this."

I think it's safe to say that the boredom of bedrest, the aches and pains of pregnancy and the this cold (5 minutes after I got rid of a sinus infection!) are all starting to wear on me a little bit.

One year ago today I conquered my neti pot.

Woman's Last Stand

If you watched the Super Bowl you probably saw this horrible ad suggesting that men have been so emasculated that the only way they can assert themselves is to drive a great big manly car.
Oh my god! Some woman is making them do things. Horrible things like cleaning up after themselves and sorting recycling!

Here's a brilliant response to that ad. (Be aware it's not exactly safe for little ears or at work.) (Be especially careful if your co-workers have little ears.)

One year ago today Joseph was weird.

If I ran the world...

...the first thing that would change is that "That person did not follow the established protocol in the school drop-off/pick-up line" would be a legal defense for dragging someone out of their car and slapping them silly.

One year ago today Elle to-got-for something.

Brain Damage

My poor children.

They are battered and bruised.

Don't feel too bad for them though. It's their own fault. At some point you would think they would learn not to stand so close to me.

"Mommy?" Joseph asked.

I turn to give him my attention and my stomach hits him, sending him flying into the wall.

Elle runs up to me just as I'm bending over and she collides with my rear end and then then ricochets around the kitchen.

Joseph tries to walk next to me in the hallway and my hip knocks him into a door frame.

Elle asks me to lean down and give her a kiss and I just about end up smothering her with my boobs.

I feel bad for all the injuries that I'm inflicting on my children but I'm also waiting for the day they realize I need a wider berth nowadays.

Although maybe all the times I've knocked their heads against counter tops are starting to take their toll.

Three years ago today my babies were adorable but some people were not.
Four years ago today I liked Appliance Direct.

Blog apathy

My poor blog. It's really suffering through this pregnancy. I don't mean to neglect it. I have a lot of stuff I want to say, a lot of stuff I mean to say. But then I get myself all situated and comfy in bed, with my laptop poised and ready to publish my latest words of brilliance and I think to myself "Eh. I'll just watch this episode of Golden Girls and then doze off instead."

I am huge and I am uncomfortable and I know that if I start posting here all I'm going to do is complain and who wants to hear that and after all I signed up for this is and I knew what I was getting myself into and women do this all the time without turning into giant babies so why can't I and by the way am I ever going to cook for my family again or are we just going to live on take-out for the next seven weeks?

So I'm not even going to go down that road.

I will show you how I'm not joking about how huge I am though. It's hard to really get a good idea of it when I've got a shirt covering my tummy but there's no way I'm showing you a picture of my bare belly. Between the stretch marks and the gall bladder surgery scars and the pure acreage of white flesh, it's really not a pretty scene. So I'll show you how I look when I lift up my shirt and expose the top of my maternity jeans sporting the world's largest support panel. Seriously, these jeans are insane.
And can I just say in my defense that I have a sinus infection and have not been able to sleep, really sleep, in days? And that this might not be the best picture ever taken of me but at least I had the presence of mind to crop out all of the crap that was sitting on the bathroom counter?

I'm going to go now. There's a Golden Girls on that I really don't want to miss.

Three years ago today I had some words for Woddy Guthrie

Spinning babies for fun and profit

As you may or may not not know, I have Constant Hair On Fire Syndrome. One of the ways my CHOFS manifests itself during pregnancy is that I fail the one hour blood glucose test and then go on to pass the three hour test and never have blood sugar problems again for the rest of my pregnancy.

As I was taking the one hour test last week I knew it was just a formality. I knew I would fail it and have to come back in again to take the three hour test. I even warned my IFs that I would fail the test. I even told the lab tech taking my blood that I would fail and have to come back.

And hey, what do you know? I failed the one hour test.

Luckily I know my body and I know how weird it is so I really wasn't worried about the three hour test. It went exactly how I expected it to. Well, not exactly.

I was thrown for a little loop when there was a woman in the waiting room with me who also had the Gestational Diabetes Test Slip Of Paper Of Shame which meant we would be sitting together in a small area for three hours. She smelled. Like, really bad. She smelled like she had perhaps slept in an ashtray and then had a pack of cigarettes for breakfast and then made her clothes out of old cigarette butts and then wore Stale Smoke perfume to the lab.

I sat as far away from her as I could but even then I was worried that maybe the babies were getting a nicotine contact high from the fumes. Every time someone new would come into the lab waiting area they would notice the smell right away and then look around trying to figure it out who it was coming from. Each time it took all my restraint to not say "Oh my god! It's not me! It's her! And do you happen to have any fresh air on you!?!?"

Eventually I had to ask if I could sit in a different waiting area because the smell was just so terrible. But that's the bad news. The good news is I passed the three hour test.

Now I just need to work on getting this little girl into the right position. Sometimes I think she's in the right spot but then I'll feel a huge lurch in my tummy and I'll feel what feels a whole lot like a little back running along the top of my stomach.

Since my goal is still an unmedicated vaginal delivery I've been working like crazy to spin this baby. I've been putting myself into all kinds of goofy positions trying to get her to go head down. Most of them involve my head down on the ground and my butt up in the air. Most of them involve the kids laughing at me like crazy. I guess I'll see at my 32 weeks ultrasound if it was all for nothing.

So that's about it right now. Now I have to go clean my house because I'm interviewing a mother's helper this afternoon. I already feel like enough of an asshole hiring someone to come in and help watch the kids while I lay in bed. I don't need to feel like an even bigger asshole for being a person who hires someone to watch her kids while she lays in bed AND doesn't even bother to clean her own house. I'm going to try to hold off that level of assholery for at least a couple more weeks.

One year ago today I still used twitter.
Two years ago today Jesse and I nearly married two men.
Three years ago today I was pissed off at Aspergers.