A disclaimer

Joseph is a blessing and a gift and a ray of sunshine in my life. The things I expressed in the previous entry are in no way directed at him. It's just about my frustration.

Oh, and Joseph really liked the clown today at school. Good for him because between you and me, I'm terrified of clowns.

Ass Burgers

"Hey Mom" he'll say "Remember when I had aspergers?"

Aspergers, ass burgers, aspergers. I'm so sick of aspergers.

I'm so sick of forgetting that I have a little boy and not just a little boy with aspergers. I'm sick of seeing him do something naughty and wondering "Is that the aspergers? Is that his medication doing that? Did I do something to set that off? How did I fail? How did he fail?" and not remembering that sometimes 6 year old boys are just naughty.

I'm tired of not really knowing what's going on with Joseph becuase even though we've been told "aspergers" we know that it's really just a working diagnosis and what it really means is "there's something wrong here and this is what it probably is but maybe not because he fits A and B but not really C so who knows what in the heck is going on".

I hate always feeling like my parenting is on display, with my family, with my friends, with an army of doctors and therapist. Because when you have a child with special needs you damned well better be doing everything right so that no one can look at you and say "Oh, so that's why that kid is that way".

I wish I had never heard the word "aspergers". I know it's good that we saw it early so that he could get help but a big part of me wishes that we could all just float along, blissfully thinking "man, what a wonderfully weird kid" and not "Oh no! He did something weird! It's the Aspergers!"

I can't stand reading or hearing things like "Aspergers isn't so bad compared to X" or "Aspergers isn't really that bad" because when it's your child "not so bad" is "far worse than it should be". Joseph shouldn't have to deal with this, I don't care how "not so bad" it is.

I'm burned out on taking him to therapy, he's burned out on going. I'm annnoyed by trying to figure out what medication he should be on and how much of it and if whatever he's on would work better with something else and if the possible side effects of it are worth it. And I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that we're medicating him at all when I've ranted and raved about children in this society being overmedicated.

I'm sad that my fantasies of what Joseph's life may be like include things like the day he graduates college and he turns to me and says "Hey Mom, remember when I had aspergers?" and how we'll laugh as we remember how silly all that was. I'm sad because even though I hold onto the hope that he'll someday grow out of whatever this is I think that probably he won't. I think he'll always be sweet, funny, sensitive, kind, special, moody, loving, generous, assertive, shy, smart and different. I just wish I was more ok with the last one.

Aspergers, fucking ass burgers.

Can't sleep, clown will eat me

I'll be curious to find out how school went for Joseph today. He pretty much pitched a fit this morning about not wanting to get up and go to school. When Jesse finally got him there he said Joseph looked reallyupset, almost crying. When he asked him what was wrong Joseph finally explained that he didn't want to be at school that day because a clown was going to visit their classroom.

He's totally freaked out about this. I really don't know why. From how it sounds I would be pretty suprised if he was able to get through the day without it being a big issue. I would not be at all suprised if he had to spend some time with Mrs F if the whole thing gets to be too much. My hope is that when I go to pick him up he'll say he had a great day and loved the clown and all is well. My fear is that his teacher will tell me that as soon as the clown walked in Joseph started to shriek and cry and had to be taken out of the room. I figure it's about a 50/50 shot at either of those. Stay tuned for updates.

No end to this rope

Here is an interesting article about what it's like to parent a child with special needs. I thought really agree with a lot of what she has to say. I like this quote a lot: "Why anyone thinks that we are uniquely suited for this task is beyond me-we are plain, ordinary parents. He is ours, we are his, and that will have to be enough for now. "

The little things

When Jesse and I were dating and when we were first married he was a pretty romantic guy. He would bring me flowers for no reason, write me little love letters, take me out to eat, leave little suprise gifts for me to find, that kind of stuff. Well, we've been married for over 7 years now and after a while those kind of gestures happen less and less. And honestly, they seem less and less important to me. We've got 2 kids, 2 cars, a house and a never ending pile of laundry to deal with. We don't have time for flowery romance.

That's not to say Jesse doesn't do other things to let me know he loves me. Whenever he drives my car he makes sure to fill it up with gas so that I don't have to. In the past year I've probably gotten gas once and I don't even remember how long it was before that. In the summer he mows the grass and in the winter he shovels the snow and he never, ever complains about it. He lets me pick where we go out to eat and where we go on vacation.

And he still leaves me little suprise gifts for me to find. Why just this morning I found one. I know that he left that big pile of fingernails on the shelf of Elle's changing table so that when I rocked her to sleep for her nap I would see it and think of him. I know that when he leaves big piles of nails on the nightstand it's so that when I roll over to wake up and he's already at work, I'll know that he's always with me. And I know that he left that pile of tonails on the arm of the couch because he knew I would put my hand into it when I went to sit down and he knows how much I love putting my hands into big piles of YELLOW, SCALY, BUMPY SHARDS OF TOENAIL!!! And I won't even go into how he doesn't put down the toilet seat or even flush much of the time.

He really is quite a guy but man, if he doesn't stop with the toenails all over the place I'm probably going to start putting them in his food.

Blog for Choice

The topic for this year's Blog for Choice is "Why I'm pro-choice". I could talk about this for a long time and go into a lot more detail than is probably needed. So to make it short I'll just say that for me it's about trust.

I am pro choice because I have enough faith in women to to think choose what is right when it comes to abortion. Not every woman who has an abotion has it for the same reasons. Not everyone who chooses that comes to that decision the same way. I don't think there's a woman out there who had an abotion because it was something she wanted to do. I think there are many, many women who choose abortion because it's the responsible thing to do. It's the logical thing to do. It's the (as crazy as it may sound) loving thing to do. It's the right thing to do.

Look at the women in your life, the ones that you know and love and respect. Ask yourself if you trust them to make major life decisions for themselves. With abortion rates in the US being 1 out of 50 women having an abortion every year chances are you already know someone who made that choice. And I'm willing to bet it was the right choice.

Joseph's plan

Joseph has been super attatched to Jesse and I lately. He's even refused to spend time with my parents so that he could be with us instead. I don't know what's going on with him but he just really does not want to be apart from is at all.

On Friday Jesse brought Joseph to school just like he does every day. After he left Joseph got very sad and started to cry because he missed Jesse so much. So he this is what he told me he did. He took out his feelings chart (little chart he has numbered 1-5 with each number being a different emotion has has). When he saw that he was at #4 (crying and not able to stop) he looked at what the chart said he should do. The chart said that he should take a break in Mrs F's office. (Mrs F is his IEP case manager.) All on his own he went to his teacher and told her that he needed to go to Mrs F's office so that he could calm down. Then he and Mrs F talked and she told him she was proud of him for figuring out on his own that he needed to come down there. She gave him a sticker on his chart and he went back to class and had a great day.

I am so proud of my boy! This is really big for him. This is the first time at school where he has been able to step back and look at how he's feeling and then figure out what he needs to do to make it better. I'm so glad he was able to take a short break and then pull it together for the rest of the day. He's turning into such a big kid, he's really not a baby anymore.

Elle's not a baby anymore either. She's getting a couple more teeth on the bottom now. She's also starting to walk for real. She's crawling less and less and she's becoming a lot more steady when she walks. It's really fun to see. It's all made me question if I'm really, really ready to be done with babies. They're small for such a short time and I kind of hate to think I might be done with that forever. I don't know, maybe I'll pop a few out for somebody else first and then see how I feel.

No change in the surrogacy safari yet. Tomorrow someone is coming to the house to give me a physical so that I can qualify for the life/health insurance I'll have during the surrogacy. Should be oodles of fun.

Anal retentive blogging

I've gone back and cataloged all my posts. Now if you read a post of mine about poop (for example) and you find yourself wondering what else I have to say about poop you can just click on the little "tag" at the end of the post and it will take you to a list of all my poop posts. It was kind of fun to do. I re-read pretty much my entire blog. I realized that my kids and are sick a lot, that I don't talk about Jesse much unless I'm complaining about him, that I say my kids are cute really often and that I talk a lot more about Raven Symone than I thought I did.

Too funny

The new look

Good? Bad? What do you think?

This just in

The teams for The Amazing Race All Stars have been announced!
1. Kevin and Drew
2. Danny & Oswald
3. John Vito & Jill
4. Uchenna & Joyce
5. David & Mary
6. Charla & Mirna
7. Rob & Amber
8. Teri & Ian
9. Eric & Danielle
10. Joe & Bill
11. Dustin & Kandice

Dinner with the IFs

On Saturday night Jesse and the kids and I had dinner with my IFs and their son. It was really nice. Joseph and their son got along really well and B (the IF I had not yet met) was just as nice as J (the IF I met in LA). The kids were as good as gold and we were all able to sit and talk and have a really nice time.

Turns out the IFs have already picked out an egg donor but it just didn't work out. So now they're on the hunt again. Hopefuly this time will be the charm and we'll get this show on the road.

As for now I'm sick. Again! It never flippin' ends! I have to believe that there will come a day when everyone in my house is healthy for 2 days at a time.

My insurance

The IFs are continuing to work on the insurance issue. If anyone can do it they can. One of them is a doctor and one of them is a lawyer.* That's right, I'm going to be a surrogate for the Huxtables.

*At least he was until he left his job at a very prominent law firm to become a stay at home dad. Love!

A little better

Ok, I'm a little better today that I was yesterday. Sometimes stuff just sucks and it gets to be a lot to deal with.

But how could I be crabby after I go to get Elle up from her nap and she says "Hi baaaaaaybeeee!" when I walk in the room? You can't get that kind of therapy anywhere else.

What a rotten day

What a day. Ugh. What a day. I need to go take a hot shower and have a good long cry. Crud.

That would be cool

I've been emailing on of the baby's daddies (tm IDAT) for a while and we've worked out that we're going to get together this weekend and to out to eat. We'll bring the kids and they'll bring their son so that the whole family can meet each other. Should be fun and it will be nice to get to know the IF I didn't get to meet when we were in LA.

My IFs have still not selected an egg donor. I understand their desire to take their time and make the right choice but dang, I'm ready to get this show on the road. I can't get too upset though because they're also trying to get the hospital here to accept my surrogacy insurance so that I can see my old OBGYN and deliver right here in town. That would be awesome. I love my OBGYN and it would be nice not to have to make the half hour drive to the clinic I was going to have to go to. So I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that that works out.

We've started going to Monday Night Class again. It's a total reversal of last year when I left each class wanting to bang my head against a wall. The parents in it this year are nice and funny and friendly and don't spend the entire class telling long, drawn out, boring stories about what kind of sandwiches their kid likes or what they bought at Wal-Mart or what their husband said when they bought a sandwich at Wal Mart. I left the class not hating people. What a change!

Crack is wack

And so is Google. What bring people to my blog? Mostly people that can't spell.
poop while giving birth - Ok, you talk once or twice about how this is your biggest fear and it gets you blog 10-20 hits a week.

tounge irritations pregnancy - I know nothing about this. I always feel a little bad when someone comes to my blog looking for information that I don't have.

( Jayz) Big pipin - I knew that title would come back to haunt me.

"pooped his pants" - I get a lot of these too. Gross.

repetative behavior - Searching works better when you are a good speller.

lavander penis facts - I....don't ..... know.

"male nurse"+suppositories - Sigh.

images of raven symone (shoes) - Why would someone look for this?

I've also gotten the following that I no longer have the links for:
raven symone do she do crack
raven symone how many piercings do she have
raven symone has she got a baby (I get variations of this nearly every day)

So my question is this: Why do people who search for (but cannot spell) Raven Symone seem to have such problems with basic grammer?

Are you a good glitch?

Thanks to a glitch in the Lane Bryant website I bought 4 bras and 15 pairs of underwear for $21 including shipping! You could enter a code that was supposed to take 30% of your order but when it calculated your final price it would charge you waaaaaay less than it was supposed to. That should have cost nearly $300! Whoooohooo! Yeah for computer glitches!

Joseph's good news

Joseph is done with food therapy! He finally had enough good sessions that his food therapist thinks he's ready to be done. He still has some real issues with food, he probably always will, but now he's able to eat a much wider range of foods. Texture is not as big of an issue for him as it used to be and he's much less sensitive to smell than he was when he started food therapy.

So, after over two years of therapy we've managed to knock physical therapy and food therapy out of his schedule. All that's left is occupational therapy and speech therapy. Neither of those are expected to go one very much longer either. A couple of months for OT and maybe 6 months for speech.

I'm really proud of Joseph. Therapy has never been much fun for him and most of the time he would rather not have been there but most of the time he did what he needed to do. He's such a great kid.