Shattered

My heart is in 1 million pieces right now. I was clutching onto Joseph telling him that I didn't want him to leave this morning and was so grown up about it all. "Mommy" he said "It's ok! I'll be back this afternoon. You'll still get to see me later today! I'll come home and then we'll do something together*. Now I'm going to go and make some new friends! Mommy! Stop grabbing me and let me put my backpack on! Mommy!"

He was so calm and cool and I was a wreck. Elle and I stood on the porch waving as he and Jesse drove away. Joseph had a big smile on his face and I yelled every last minute instruction I could think of. "Be a good listener! Try at least one bite of everything on your tray at lunch time! Don't pick at your fingernails! Leave your bandaid on your owie! Remember to ask the teacher if you have to go potty! Remember to sign up for white milk for snack time! Unless you want chocolate!" On and on and on until the car was out of sight and I was just standing there yelling random things to the empty street.

Why is this so hard for me? The fact is that I know school is good for him. He really blossomed last year in kindergarten. His teacher this year comes personally picked out by his teacher from last year. When we met her (the new teacher) yesterday she seemed really nice and it seems like she'll be a good fit for Joseph. We also know his IEP case manager because she worked with him during summer school and she's really nice too. So I know he's in good hands and I know how much he loves the social aspect of being in school. So why is it so hard for me to send him to school? Ugh.

I'm going to draw my contest winner later this afternoon. Right now I'm going to play puzzles with Elle and try to figure out a way to keep her from growing up too.

*Despite all his time in speech therapy he still pronounces this as "tah-get-er". I don't care if he never learns to say it right, it's so cute. That, and when he says "hangaber" instead of "hambuger". I love it.