Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Hole in the Head Infection Bingo with Joanna Pacula

How old am I? Like, 30? That sounds about right. In my 30 years I have had a couple of ear infections, more bouts of pink eye than I care to count and an infection in my mouth after a wisdom tooth removal didn't heal right. (You know what tastes really not good? Pus. You know what's impossible to avoid tasting when you've got an infection in your mouth? Yeah.) But it wasn't until yesterday that I was finally able to declare "Bingo!" in life's little game of Hole in the Head Infection Bingo. That's right. I got my very first sinus infection yesterday.

I knew something special was up when I woke up and was unable to breath through my left nostril. Imagine the wonder I felt when I found that what I blew out of my nose was the same bright, acid green color as that stuff in glow sticks. Imagine my utter joy as the day progressed and more and more of the left side of my face began to feel like a steel toed boot wearing John Candy was tap dancing on it. Oh, the pleasure of it all!

Of course, there are some drawbacks to having a sinus infection. The main one being that it's hard to do the little things like move your head or chew or blink. Coughing is what's really painful for me. It feels like my brain is crashing up against my skull and my teeth are all rattling around. I don't like to complain though so I do my best to cover up my discomfort by acting like Doc Holliday. If you've never used this method of coping with an illness let me fill you in on how it's done.

Step 1: Look like Val Kilmer weighing in at 112 pounds. (Don't worry if you're like me and you resemble neither Val Kilmer or someone weighing 112 pounds. You can make up for it by working harder on the other steps.)
Step 2: When you feel a cough coming on get a pained look on your face and press a hanky to your mouth. If you don't have a hanky you can use a Puffs Ultra with Lotion.
Step 3: Cough feebly into the Puffs Ultra with Lotion and then sit back with a groan. Crumple the Puffs in your hand.
Step 4: Choose at least two of the following options: Make a witty remark, shot someone, play an all night game of poker, have a drink, have sex with Joanna Pacula, become a dentist, die in Glenwood Springs Colorado.

Follow these steps and everyone around you will really appreciate it. Sure, you might be hacking up giant gobs of green stuff but you'll look super romantic doing it.

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