Ahahahahahahahaha!

But we only like them as a friend!

I think J&B's attorney may have made a mistake or two when she was filing the paperwork for the baby's pre-birth order. Today Jesse and I got a letter letting us know that there will be a judicial hearing on the matter of he and I marrying J&B.

Um.

Hmmmm.

Good thing I support gay marrige. Looks like pretty soon I'll be part of one.

"I spilled out my mouth"

Is there anything worse than a pukey toddler? If there is I don't want to know about it.

Today Elle was happily dancing to the Cars soundtrack and all of the sudden she came over to me and said "My tummy hurts!" before I could even answer her she had done this massive projectile vomiting thing all over the living room, me and herself.

It's an interesting moment when something like that happens. Of course your first thought is "Ewwwww! Vomit on my shirt! Get naked as quickly as possible!" At some point though your parenting instinct kicks in and you find yourself calming down your little one and taking off their pukey clothes first. It kind of makes you feel all adult like when you find yourself kneeling in a pile of half digested string cheese and grape juice and saying things like "It's ok sweetie, Mama will clean it up." I felt grossed out but strangely, competent.

A little while later I had Elle and myself all cleaned up, a load of laundry going and the living room smelling fresh and clean. Elle rewarded me by giving me a big smile........ and then throwing up all over me and herself and the living room again. "Oh man" she said "I spilled out my mouth!"

Oh man indeed.

Me no likey bloggy

I haven't been in much of a blogging mood lately. I guess I'm not really in a mood to do much of anything these days. I'm too busy feeling tired and puffy and achy. A few highlights of of the past week were:

-Going to Joseph's midyear conference and finding out that my very smart first grader is reading fourth grade material.

-Elle moving from her crib into a big girl bed. She made the transition without any problem at all. I on the other hand kept standing in her doorway and weeping about how I no longer have a little baby any more.

-My wedding ring has come off. I've developed a major case of sausage fingers and my ring finger was starting to turn blue. Ok, not a highlight but I just felt like sharing.

-Going to a fancy-shmancy 5 course dinner where a different wine was served with every course. Everyone in our group of six drank but me. Drunk people are a lot less fun to be around when you're the only sober one. Seriously, I was kind of embarrassed for some of them a couple of times.

-Realizing that there are only 28 days left until my due date. I still think I won't make it that far. That's ok though because I am really ready to be done with this pregnancy. I'm looking forward to having ankles again.

-Getting over my pink eye without anyone else catching it. W00t for non-gooey eyes!

Sucky, suckier, suckiest

Sucky: Waking up at 3AM and finding your eyes glued shut by some sort of sticky, yellow goo.

Suckier: Prying your eyes open and seeing that they're both red, swollen and itchy. Pink eye!

Suckiest: Remembering that you spend a good chunk of time yesterday teaching your 2 year old to give butterfly kisses and then having her give them to everyone she came across. Sorry folks!

Blog for Choice 2008

This year's Blog for Choice topic is "Why is it important to vote pro-choice?"

Um. Ok. That's kind of a dopey topic, isn't it? I mean, I don't know about anyone else but I know that I vote pro-choice because I am pro-choice. Kind of a no-brainer there.

If I go a little deeper into that I would have to make the following confession: Most of the time I'm too cynical to be political. I think the government is too big and too screwed up for it to ever really matter who gets elected to what anymore. I can't get too into throwing my support behind any one candidate because I don't think any one candidate is going to be able to fix or change things for the better.

I also find myself unable to align with any certain political party. I'm a little too conservative to be a liberal and way to liberal to be a conservative. Independent parties leave me frightened and confused.

There is never a candidate that I agree all the way with on every issue so in the end I just have to pick one issue that's important to me and vote according to that. So I chose to vote based on the issue of reproductive rights. In America one in five pregnancies end in abortion and half of all pregnancies are unintended. With stats like that it just seems wrong for me to vote any way but pro-choice.

It's not just about abortion either. Of course I think every woman deserves access to a safe and legal abortion if that's her choice. But I think the changes we need to see in this area are more wide spread than just that. I think all women (and men for that matter) deserve access to safe and reliable birth control regardless of income or insurance status. I think our schools need to offer age appropriate, medically accurate sex education. Sex ed that is not based on lies and fear tactics *coughabstinenceonlysexedcough*.

As woman and as an American I think we deserve all these things and that is why I vote pro-choice.

Too clever for his own good

Jesse and Joseph were playing Super Mario Galaxy together tonight. It drives me crazy to listen to the two of them play video games together because they both get so frustrated and crabby. Tonight I'm glad I was in the room when they were playing though because I got to hear the following exchange.

Joseph: Daddy! You're not doing this right!
Jesse: I'm doing the best I can Joseph!
Joseph: (in a rude, sarcastic tone) I'm sure you are.
Jesse: Hey! I don't like that tone Joseph.
Joseph: (in a high falsetto) I'm sure you are!

Then I laughed so hard that I had a contraction and Jesse got crabby at me for "making things worse". I don't care. it was funny.

Princess McQueen

Me: That's a pretty crown you have on Elle. Are you a princess?
Elle: No.
Me: Are you a queen?
Elle: (puzzled look) No! That's Ka-chow!

You might not get this if you aren't as big a Cars fan as my kids are.


Speaking of Cars, you know what scene always makes me kind of sad? The one where McQueen comes up on Doc racing through the desert. Something about Doc trying to relive his glory days in the middle of nowhere makes me kind of weepy. I'm probably just a big sap but I think it's a really well done scene. Is that just me?

Get my agent on the phone!

Here is an interesting (I think so anyway) article about the surrogacy agency that I'm with. It's the hippest, most "in" thing I've ever been a part of.

No final conclusion either way

Evidence that Elle might be a genius:
Yesterday she put together a 24 piece puzzle all by herself.

Evidence that Elle might not be a genius:
This morning I caught her eating snow from off of the bottom of her shoes. Twice.

Average just isn't good enough

Naral has released a report on the status of women's reproductive rights in the United States. The report gives a state-by-state breakdown of the laws affecting women’s ability to choose abortion, access emergency contraception, get insurance coverage for reproductive health services and several other other things. They give each state a grade that corresponds to these issues.

Minnesota somehow managed to score an C+ in spite of the fact that 95% of Minnesota counties have no abortion providers. That's kind of mind boggling to me.

As a full grown adult I take for granted that I have control over my own body and the decisions concerning my own medical care. I assume that if I ever find myself facing an unwanted pregnancy I would have access to a full range of choices. After reading this report I find myself feeling a little less secure about those rights. It disturbs me to think of women losing their right to safe and legal abortions. If it disturbs you too and this is an issue that's important to you I urge you to look at Naral's state by state profile and find out how your state ranks. You might be suprised by what you find. I hope that you'll also take the time to check out what you can do in your area to help ensure that all women have the right to make whatever choice is right for them.

We need to do a lot better than just average.

A big milestone

Well, I'm at that point in the pregnancy where sneezing makes me pee my pants. Wheeeeeeee! (heh)

Bleh

Me. Joseph. Flu. Vomit everywhere. Want to die.

Let's try this again shall we?

All right, last week sucked. Let's keep our fingers crossed that this week is somewhat better. We're already off to a rip roarin' start with Joseph staying home from school sick but I still have faith that it will get better.

My birth plan meeting was on Saturday. It went pretty well. B and J didn't have any really unreasonable requests and they mostly seemed pretty ok with the way I wanted things done. One thing I talked about that I could tell really bothered J was when I said I didn't want constant monitoring. Anyone who has ever given birth in a hospital knows about those stupid monitors they make you wear. They're itchy and uncomfortable and they keep you somewhat restricted in your movement. When I was in labor with Elle I hated them so much that I wanted to rip them off. What I didn't know at the time was that if all is well and the baby is tolerating labor well there's really no reason to keep them on non-stop. The good news is that when I discussed this with the birth plan manager she said it was no problem at all to have intermittent monitoring and that it was done all the time. The bad news is that I could tell J really, really didn't like the idea. He didn't say anything at the time but I guarantee that the second he got home he was on the Internet researching horror stories of people who didn't have constant monitoring and ended up having horrible, traumatic births. I will be shocked if he doesn't bring it up again within the week. Actually, knowing how terrified he is that I will go into labor before 40 weeks (he's very freaked out by the fact that Elle was born at 39 weeks) I will be shocked if he doesn't ask me to start wearing monitors now.

But whatever. It's a minor detail and hopefully B, since he's a doctor, will be able to calm J down about the whole thing. And if not ..... well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it I guess.

A labor preview

I spent a couple of hours on the labor and delivery floor at the hospital last night. Around 4:00 I started having some bad cramps and a back ache. I called the nurse line and my doctors office and they asked me if I could feel the baby moving. When I said I hadn't felt him move since the morning they pretty much told me "Hang up and get to the hospital right now."

At the hospital they hooked me up to the monitors and right away the little guy started jumping around. His heartbeat sounded just fine so they just watched me for a little while to see if I was contracting.

I had a few small contractions while I was there so they gave me a shot of some drug that stung like a son of a bitch but stopped the contractions. After I had some water and was able to give a urine sample they checked my cervix (closed and thick thank you very much) and sent me home.

They told me the contractions were probably because I was dehydrated. I guess I haven't been drinking a whole lot while I've felt sick. I'll have to stay on top of that because I wouild prefer to not have the stinging shot and the cervix check again if not nessecary.

At one point right before I got the shot Jesse said "You'll only feel a little prick." and I said "That's what she said!" and Jesse laughed and laughed and laughed. It takes so little to amuse him.

The rarest kind of photo

I went to a get together of Minnesota surrogates last Saturday. While we were all together we took a picture of the six of us who are currently pregnant. I saw the pictures and to my great surprise I didn't totally hate the way that I looked in them. I'm looking rather voluptuous but hey, I never claimed to be a skinny girl. So here I am, 33 weeks pregnant and still feeling pretty good.

(I'm trying really hard not to think too much about my uncle today. Every time I do I start to get weepy and then when I tear up my face starts to really hurt. It sucks to cry with a sinus infection. I'm trying to keep myself distracted.)

Hole in the Head Infection Bingo with Joanna Pacula

How old am I? Like, 30? That sounds about right. In my 30 years I have had a couple of ear infections, more bouts of pink eye than I care to count and an infection in my mouth after a wisdom tooth removal didn't heal right. (You know what tastes really not good? Pus. You know what's impossible to avoid tasting when you've got an infection in your mouth? Yeah.) But it wasn't until yesterday that I was finally able to declare "Bingo!" in life's little game of Hole in the Head Infection Bingo. That's right. I got my very first sinus infection yesterday.

I knew something special was up when I woke up and was unable to breath through my left nostril. Imagine the wonder I felt when I found that what I blew out of my nose was the same bright, acid green color as that stuff in glow sticks. Imagine my utter joy as the day progressed and more and more of the left side of my face began to feel like a steel toed boot wearing John Candy was tap dancing on it. Oh, the pleasure of it all!

Of course, there are some drawbacks to having a sinus infection. The main one being that it's hard to do the little things like move your head or chew or blink. Coughing is what's really painful for me. It feels like my brain is crashing up against my skull and my teeth are all rattling around. I don't like to complain though so I do my best to cover up my discomfort by acting like Doc Holliday. If you've never used this method of coping with an illness let me fill you in on how it's done.

Step 1: Look like Val Kilmer weighing in at 112 pounds. (Don't worry if you're like me and you resemble neither Val Kilmer or someone weighing 112 pounds. You can make up for it by working harder on the other steps.)
Step 2: When you feel a cough coming on get a pained look on your face and press a hanky to your mouth. If you don't have a hanky you can use a Puffs Ultra with Lotion.
Step 3: Cough feebly into the Puffs Ultra with Lotion and then sit back with a groan. Crumple the Puffs in your hand.
Step 4: Choose at least two of the following options: Make a witty remark, shot someone, play an all night game of poker, have a drink, have sex with Joanna Pacula, become a dentist, die in Glenwood Springs Colorado.

Follow these steps and everyone around you will really appreciate it. Sure, you might be hacking up giant gobs of green stuff but you'll look super romantic doing it.

Sad ....... and something else

I just got off the phone with my mom. One of my uncles, my dads brother passed away today. He is leaving behind a wife, two children and eight grandchildren.

I was not very close with my uncle but I always liked him. He was a nice man who told lots of funny stories. It's so strange for me to think that he's gone. Now when my dad stands around b.s.ing with his brothers at family get togethers there will be one less person in the group. I'm having a hard time picturing it.

I'm not making sense now. I don't like to think about the fact that one of my parents siblings has died. It hits too close to home. I don't want to think about the mortality of people I love. I don't want to face the fact my parents are not eternally 25 years old.

I don't know. I'm sad, I can't think straight.

No, actually you don't know it all

There's a blogger who I used to really enjoy reading who I recently had to take off my reader. She went from entertaining to annoying to irritating to massively pissing me off. If I were the kind of person to leave rude comments on people's blogs here's what I would have said to her:

Ok, fine. You want to ignore every expert who tells you that your child might have some form of high functioning autism? Good for you. It's your kid, you do what you think is best. But here's what you don't get to do. You don't get to proclaim that Aspergers is not real. You don't get to decide that everyone who says that their child has Aspergers and is trying to get them help is wrong for doing so. You don't get to imply (or outright state) that parents who say their children have a form of high functioning autism are too stupid or lazy or uninsighful to understand and appreciate their child's particular brand of brilliance. You don't get to say that therapy and interventions are wrong just because you've decided not to take advantage of them. You don't get to say "Wah! Stop talking about Albert Einstein having Aspergers!". Neurotypical children have nearly everyone else in the whole world to look up to as a role model. Let Aspies have one or two people that they can look at and say "That person is like me and they did a lot for the world. Maybe I can do that too." You don't get to simultaneously deny that something exists and become the god damned final authority on it. You want to ignore experts and research (and common sense) while you do what you think is right for your kid? Fine, go ahead and do that. But be aware that saying "My kid doesn't have Aspergers" should not equal "No kid has Aspergers and I'm going to turn into a raging asshole every time I ever hear the word." Seriously, get over yourself.

Yeah, that's what I would say if I was a raging hormonal bitch who was 33 weeks pregnant and dealing with a sinus infection. Good thing I'm not.

What my boy said

"I think I would like to meet my real mommy soon because I think she would like to see me. She might be suprised by how big I am now and I think she would like me. I want to see if I'm like her."

Oh, my heart.

I hate Oobi

Last night's proposed timeline:
8:00 - Have both kids in bed and asleep.
9:00 - Jesse leaves to take care of some stuff at the office. I go to bed.
10:30 - Jesse comes home and finds us all sleeping comfortably.

The real timeline:
8:45 - Kids finally both in bed and sleeping
9:00 - Jesse leaves to take care of some stuff at the office. I go to bed.
9:05 - Joseph gets up.
9:15 - Joseph is back asleep and Elle is up.
9:30 - Elle is asleep and Joseph is up.
(This continues on for some time.)
12:00 - Both kids are laying in my bed watching Oobi on Noggin as I prepare to dope them up. Joseph is crying that he has a headache and Elle is getting snot all over my pillows. I have not gotten one second of sleep and if I move my head too much it feels like someone is hitting me in the face with a sledgehammer. A call to Jesse tells me that it will be "at least another half hour" before he's home. (Do all offices have stripper music playing in the background?) I consider the possibility that if someone were to break into the house and try to steal the kids (a paranoid, irrational fear I have whenever Jesse is away at night) I might let them. I don't want to be responsible for little people anymore. I want to guzzle a dose and a half of NyQuil and fall asleep to the soothing sounds of my vaporizer running and Golden Girls on the tv.
12:58 - Elle is asleep in her crib. Joseph is asleep in my bed. I lay down on the couch and doze off.
12:59 - Jesse comes home and moves Joseph into his own bed. Jesse promises to get up with the kids if they wake up again. I crawl into bed myself and sleep (sort of) until morning. The kids stay asleep for the rest of the night.

What did we learn here? Oobi is a really stupid ass show but it comes in handy at midnight when you want your kids to shut up long enough so that you can read the dosing instructions on their medications. Also, there should be a law that no woman who is 32 weeks pregnant should have to get a massive head cold that she can't take anything for. That's just inhumane.