Monday, April 25, 2005

My top (bottom?) 5

I'm a little crabby today because I'm starting to suspect I will have morning sickness for the rest of my life. I'm going to be holding my newborn child in one arm and my trusty ice cream bucket in the other. In honor of my less than cheerful mood I am posting my top (or bottom) 5 items that people use with their children that drive me nuts. In advance, no offense to anyone who used or uses these, it's just my personal thoughts.

5- Really expensive children's clothing. I have no problem with someone like Bill Gates dressing his child in designer wear. The people I'm talking about here are the sleazy looking people you know just got done cashing their welfare checks and go off to buy Junior a whole new Tommy Hilfiger wardrobe while the government picks up the tab for little extras like food and electric bills. Junior is almost always drinking from a bottle filled with Kool Aid too. (See #1.) If I ran the world there would be a law that if your rent is subsidized you're not allowed to shop at FUBU or Baby Gap or anything like that. Call me a snob but there's a reason that Joseph wears clothes from Target and K-Mart. It's because it's what we can afford. We didn't get the notice that your toddlers clothing budget should come first on your list. Silly us, we've been buying food and keeping a roof over our heads.

4- Child harnesses. Unless your kid was raised by wild animals and then returned to you at the age of three there is no stinking reason you can't control them without the use of a leash. How much easier is it really to hold onto the leash then the kid's hand anyway. And I'm not even going to mention that I was once almost killed at Disney World when I kid wearing a leash cut in front of me and got me all tangled up his in two foot teather as his mother walked along, paying no attention what-so-ever as her child and a complete stranger lay crumpled on the pavement next to her. No, I won't mention that at all because there are plenty of other reasons to hate these things. Anyone who has ever gone out in public with Joseph knows he can be a handful at times but I've found that by paying a small amount of attention to him I'm able to keep him by me without resorting to something that was made for dogs!

3- Nuks. In theory I have no problems with nuks. Joseph used one for a while but it was really only when he was sleeping or when he really needed extra comforting, like at the doctors office. What I hate is seeing kids who are walking around and going to school and doing their own taxes using nuks. Here's a tip, when Junior is old enough to walk into a restaurant and order a steak and then cut said steak on their own, it's probably time to retire the nuk. Although the liklyhood of a waiter being able to understand their order is probably pretty low, what with the nuk lodged in their mouth and all. Even with the nuk out they have probably developed a delightful speech problem. They're probably not going to be able to actually chew the steak real well either with the train wreck they've got going on for teeth caused by years and years of non-stop nuk usage.

2- DVD players in cars. Some of my best memories of trips that we used to take are of us all in the car singing and playing games just talking. (Don't get me wrong, I'm not seeing the past through rose colored glasses. It wasn't all good. I can clearly remember many times Ben would eat an entire bag of Funions and fall alseep with his head on my shoulder, burping and farting for the next 100o miles.) But for the most part it was fun. We got to see some really beautiful sights just by turning our heads and looking out the window. We got to spend some real quality time together playing the Alphabet Game or 20 Questions. I also like to think we got some culture by listening to the same Peter, Paul and Mary tapes over and over and over again. None of that would have happened if we had just put in a DVD or 10 while we were driving. We wouldn't have had so much fun laughing as my dad pretended to decode license plates or used our brians as my mom read the 100th Tri-Bond question in a row. I think DVDs in cars are a part of the school of thought that says "Why bother to entertain your kids when you can put in a Rugrats DVD shut them up for the entire drive?" Call me an old fogey but when I was kid we actually interacted with each other and we had a good time and we put up with it when our brother farted on us continously across 4 states and that's the way we liked it.

1- Kool Aid. I bet I can count on one hand the times we had Kool Aid in my house as a kid. Why do people let their children drink this stuff? "Tired of water honey? Let me pour in some sugar and coloring and serve that to you. No reason to give you something healthy! It's not like you've got growing to do!" What's so wrong with sticking with juice or water or milk? Kool Aid does nothing but rot kid's teeth, and their brains and even the very fabric of our society. Ok, so I might be over-reacting a little bit but I really hate this stuff. It's one thing to give Kool Aid to your kids when they're a bit older (say, 40) but before then you make their food choices for them. Why make a choice that has only negatives and no positives. No matter how the commercials try to spin it, it's crap and I will never have it in my house. (As a side note, I also hate it when people give their very young children pop.)

Wow, that was harsh. Well, I had to break twice to vomit while I typed this so I hope you'll cut me some slack. On a happier note I am 15 weeks pregnant today and my jeans still fit. They were loose for a little while after I lost all that weight but now I can really feel my belly getting bigger and the pants have started to fit again. Some things I've read said I might be able to feel the baby move as soon as next week. I'm really excited for that but knowing me I'll get all weepy over a gas bubble.

No comments: